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This is unreal. This space, this calamity. It's all an image inside my mind. My eyes race, my heart beats, but isn't that some form of normality? In depth writers under the stars, the sun; the sky. I can't seem to bring myself to understand clearly. For an off substance entering veins, blood streams, mind, body, and most importantly heart I am actually more pieced together more than i've come to realize in the past year. This is a simple show. I'm standing behind the curtains, and for this exact moment, i feel as if they have flooded open right before my eyes, and all i see is a crowd. All i have to offer, they probably wouldn't understand. My heart is unwavering. My mind is inadequate.
In this exact moment, i feel like anything could change. I can almost feel the world spinning under my feet. I can see the clouds altering positions. I can't think straight. I feel nothing, nothing at all. Even if i wanted to, i don't think i could bring my mind frame to think correctly. It would most likely lead to a fatal disaster, physiologically speaking of course.
"i promise" she said. I look at her, knowing my whole world was falling in those last moments on your cracked driveway. In the dark. She noticed i had nothing to say, she noticed how i felt, i didn't even know how i felt. She sighed with a slight grin.
"we're going to make this, the best night of our lives." She told me, so sure of herself.
"No, Bonnie. This is the worst night of our lives." I replied bluntly. And in that impeccable moment she cried. I starred blankly into the ground, playing with the pointy ends of pine straws at the tips of my fingers. I knew she knew i was right.
"We can't understand even if we wanted to. This world is tearing our friendship apart. We both know we aren't the normal kind of trite friendships in this devil town. We're begging for answers, we're looking for a good time, we want satisfaction. We want everything we could never find. We could never measure up the nights, the mornings, the dusk summer that we've had. They could never compare, and this i am quite sure of. This is the only thing i've really ever been sure of. This is a war. We're loosing, and now we have to accept defeat." After those incredulous words flew from my voice i had no idea what to expect. I felt like i had just committed a crime from what i had just said. In that moment, i realized that that's what I’ve needed to realize for the longest time. I've needed to accept. Although still in the depth of my stomach, my heart, mind, and the color that fills my eyes i knew. I knew I still didn't want to. I knew i never would.
"whatever you do, we will never say goodbye. we will sit here for eternity. In this very state of mind, on this very driveway, with the tree's limbs falling in our hair, the moonless night we sit under will be remembered and we will remember the exact feeling of this driveway. We will know what we see right now, we will know everything. Everything we ever wanted." She told me.
"what do we see?"
"we see a wooden cottage lake house, overgrown grass, tress covering the sky, blue smoke flying from our fingertips, we see the southern night before us, and tonight is the darkest of nights as we sit here awaiting the morning rise and dreading this night fall. Thats what we see."
"i'll remember that forever" I can't bring myself to even describe the feeling shaking me right now, the feeling sinking past my sin into my cells and flowing through me like an electric feel or some sort. We sat there for eternity. All i knew was that if i remember anything about this devil town it's this moment right now, the one i hold in the palm of my hands, in the pupil of my eyes. This is what we live for. i was wrong, this isn't unreal. This is as real as it gets.
It's warm tonight. The kind of warm i am so used to. The kind of warm people would kill to feel. And they do. Tonight is the first day of the rest of my life, and then some. I am sitting outside barefoot on the curb right beside my hotel room. My parents are inside taming the dogs, and making all kinds of phone calls. My mother is in her pajamas watching some lame show with my father. Then i hear it, my sister Holly's voice rising over the t.v. My mother's getting louder, and then my father's overruling them both of them. I walked in the hotel room and saw my sister standing in a position where she was ready to argue, and my mom sitting criss cross on the bed with a angry look on her face. My father standing, trying to give his wise imput out.
I'm not sure what they are fighting about, but i knew it was going to take a turn for the worse tonight. Our last georgia night. At this very moment i wished i would have stayed at Bonnie's, but my dad insisted on picking me up. Now look at me, watching my family argue over something so stupid. Then again i don't even know what they are arguing about. And then my sister had to cell phone in her hand......and she was soon on it, and i knew who she was calling. And suddenly everything hit me in that very moment. I was standing there in the doorway watching them, looking stupid when I realized...this is it.
I stepped outside with my tears falling from my face like grenades. That's when i saw Amanda's car pulling up into the hotel parking lot. The infamous Kia Spectra. There she was. There were some amazing times in that Kia. The best. Amanda started opening her trunk, and I saw Holly walking out the hotel room with her bags. I knew. She was leaving. She looked at me and she gave me a hug. She told me goodbye and that was it. I didn't fight her. I didn't blame her, i didn't want to go either. But she was old enough to go wherever she wanted. I watched Amanda's car drive off. I stood there under the sky. Completely motionless. I looked up and took a breath. Knowing this would be my last look...at the Georgia night sky.
I walked in my hotel room, my face red as can be from crying. My parents didn't seem to care. I laid down in the awkward cold hotel sheets and cried the rest of the night. Trying to hide every whimper. Trying to be strong. Truth is, I’m the very opposite of strong. Tonight i don't care if i'm the weakest person in the world. Tonight i don't care about anything.
I woke up so scared and knowing of what was about to happen. I slipped my feet out of the cold sheets and onto the rough carpet. My hair was greasy and wavy. I got my stuff together ready to leave this town. I knew i had to say goodbye to Bonnie one last time. I made up some lame excuse to drive by the school and see her by saying "i left something in my locker" They believed me. I stood there in desolate hallway. Waiting for the loud Central bell to ring. There it was. I opened her locker we used to share and took my stuff out. Then we she saw me she ran up to me and hugged me. The hug felt like it was cold. I knew in my mind.... this would be the last time I’d see her for a long time. There at her bright orange locker we stood saying goodbye one last time. Her bright hair was so clearly standing out. She was blabbing about her current boyfriend Carl and how happy she was with him. But all i could think about was the fact that i was leaving, and that it obviously hasn't hit her as much as it was hitting me in this very moment. We hugged, a huge lifetime lasting hug and walked in opposite directions.
I was sitting crisscross in the backseat of the car with my head against the window. Looking out at my last looks of Macon, Georgia. As we passed by Macon city limits i cried. I tried not to show it, but at this point it time nothing mattered to me. The trip flowed over in my mind repeatedly. I passed through the states, admiring the scenery. Remembering how we owned the streets of stars. Remembering ever single memory. Taking it in. I was so happy for all the people i've met here. New life awaits. Those words rang in my ears. Although this has all been done before by countless teenagers across the world. I will be missed. And i know this.
"do you want something to drink?" My mom said softly breaking the silence as we entered New Mexico.
"yeah, get me a peach fuze."
I was the most miserable person at this point in time. I was dreading everything about this place. I knew nothing would ever be the same again. I unbuckled my seatbelt and told my mom i was using the restroom. Although i'm surprised she didn't notice my fingers clutched together holding something. I shut the bathroom door at the crappy gas station. I opened my hand and starred at my insanity for a minute. This was going to definitely send my thoughts throughout my body and into my veins, all the way to my pupils, and make their way to my beating, half dead heart. I opened the small bag. I needed this. I spread the white powder across the sink edge and padded it into a perfect straight line, perfecting every edge. I leaned down and used a pen's ink holder to snort one huge line into my bloodstream. I walked out with my eyes wide. I am the best at what i do. I stepped into the car, and laid there so geeked up on cocaine. As the car drove i could feel the engine's vibrations shooting through my warm skin. Everything revolved around my motionless body. My thoughts were racing faster than horses. My bones felt like silk. I knew this would be my addiction. I realized as I laid there that i was a bad kid. I knew i had done too many drugs in my life for 15 years. I knew i have had a rough life. I knew too many things. I wish i could just wash these memories away like a tide. This pain is unlike anything i've ever felt. I had no choice but to believe in what was happening to me. I never thought such an imperfect town, such a messed up life, could be the best life. California here we come, right back where we started from.
Tonight my scars shine brighter than all the rest. We drove through Arizona. This state is so beautiful. The stars were so huge. Me and my mom pulled over to the side of the road and looked at them. I had never regretted leaving so much in that exact moment. I needed my sister. I needed something. I needed anything.
We pulled into a driveway. My eyes were opening slowly, trying to prepare for what I was about to see. I saw a big two-story house. It was beautiful. In that moment my hopes rose to a magnificent level of satisfaction.
“well what do you think?” My dad asked me.
“It’s nice.” I said trying not to sound too sad.
I walked in the door starring straight at the empty house. Trying to picture the future memories inside it. I couldn’t picture anything, because it was my old house’s layout that kept popping up. I walked up the stairs slowly, taking in every breath deeper than the one before. I opened the first door on the right. There it was. My room. It had a window seat and a large open space that my queen size bed would soon fill. It felt so new and so fresh. The whole era of this place was shaking my heart around my mind. Until it would finally collapse.
My mom’s presence startled me.
“so what do you think?”
“I love the house, I love my room.” I told her in all honesty.
“well come see my room!”
I followed her through the empty halls. The look on her face was unlike anything I’ve ever seen. She was so happy, and excited, like something was supposed to happen on queue sometime soon or something. Now the words she had said to me earlier were ringing in my head. This is for the better of our family, Jane. We’re going to be a real family now! The though made me sick to stomach. They were so wrong. How is me being alone in a house with my two stupid parents better than what I had before? In my opinion they are selfish. They weren’t happy, I was. They took my happiness away from me and replaced it wit theirs.
Nine months till summer, Nine months, just nine. You can make it. You can make it. I can’t make it. And I know I cant because all the signs lead to fatal disaster. The bed feels different. Although it’s the bed I’ve shared countless nights on with my best friends it felt like I was laying on stranger sheets. Tonight’s stars looked so ugly. I starred at them through the slits in the blinds. They lit up my room like a flashlight. I only see beauty in ugly, does that make sense? I try to turn ugly into a beautiful thing by using power of mind and thought overpowering mentalities. The night sky is like a canvas. You can paint whatever picture you want with the human mind and clear eyes, preferably green. Perfect mixture of envy and night lust. Don’t you agree? I can close my eyes in one solitaire moment and think of all the greatest moments I’ve ever experienced. I open my eyes slowly to see the black sky above me, with stars dangling over my face, leaving their shadows on my skin. My painting has been painted. There it is across the soft black sky. Leaving me to a depression unlike any other I’ve ever known. Tonight is growing up in these crisp white bed sheets, tonight is beautiful with my eyes closed and ugly with them open. Tonight is officially the worst night of my life……….so far.
It’s been weeks and I don’t remember the date, I haven’t brushed my hair in days and I’m running low on blow. This will lead to something I’m not quite sure of at this point, but I know it wont be good. My hands are shaking in the dusk of the air. The sun is partly showing with it’s other half hidden behind a perfect cloud. I’ve come to realize something. Being depressed is an addiction. It seeps into your soul and your mind and shapes it into a perfected feeling that is inescapable. You feel as if everything is in your power, and being sad is just one the perks of alone time with yourself.
I’ve been surviving off of substances. I’m weak, I knew I was never strong enough to handle anything like this. The glass I am holding in my hands is clear like water to my eyes, but is fire to my tongue. I can feel my bones getting sleepy, and my eyes closing, but never fully. I can see everything in a squint, but everything in my mind is so bright and vivid. Tonight I’ll travel fast inside my heart, with my hands covered with the blow Amanda gave me. I feel underground like some sort of hidden project, I feel ashamed of what I am turning into. I haven’t seen the sunshine at all today, only a mere perspective of a night owl’s morning light. Tonight will be the mixture of all once again. Law