After being in my life for only a few short years, he has creates a spot in my heart that will live on forever. What confuses me the most is that he has hurt more than he has helped me. He has knocked me down more than he has picked me up, and he p*sses me off more than he has made me laugh, or even smile. A slideshow of memories we share runs through my head continuously. They make me want to laugh and cry at the same time, knowing that things between us will never be the same. The slideshow starts when we first met and how it happened. Looking back, I now see it was a sign for what I was getting myself in to, but of course, at first, I was blindfolded. We were sitting in study hall, on completely different sides of the room. First, I noticed him staring at me, next thing I knew he was sitting across from me. From that day on, we were constantly lost in conversation; there was never a dull moment when we were together. The slideshow continues through good times and bad, sad and happy, stupid and regretful, scary and meaningful. Yeah, I’d say we have pretty much been through it all, leaving imprints in each others lives, good and bad, as well as the people around us. Now, the blindfold is long gone, and if I could go back in time, knowing things would be the way they are now, I wouldn’t change a thing. Even though it may not be as big as is once was, there is still a candle burning between us; the chemistry we’ve created still lives on. I never knew what love felt like until I met him. But it wasn’t the kind of love that made me want to be with him for the rest of my life; it was more like knowing that I couldn’t go on living life without knowing he was living it with me. But I knew he would be leaving my side one day, I just didn’t know when that day would come. You never know when you’re going to see someone for the last time; no one can properly prepare themselves for the ending of a relationship that truly meant the world to them. He has changed my life in so many different ways, but walking out of it was the last change he has made. Without even trying, he could take my breath away, make my heart race, or even give me butterflies in my stomach. I have always considered myself an independent person, but if there was one thing in my life that I would consider a necessity, it would be him. I still see him everyday, but when I do its like he is already gone. The conversations, there are no more. The memories are no longer brought up, the smiles are limited and the butterflies have died. He goes away soon, I’m not sure how soon but he talks about it often. He doesn’t have a plan for the future, but I do know I have been excluded, as he has from my future. I’ll never forget our late night conversations, the crazy stories, the hugs, the kisses, or the butterflies. As the slideshow comes to an end, I see several slides of us hugging. We’re in different places, wearing different clothes in each slide but the feeling is the same; grateful. We, at the same time, considered ourselves so lucky to have each other. And even though it hurts, I still smile knowing that that is how it should still be. But I’ve always been told it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I never understood that until I met him. I would rather go the rest of my life without him rather then going on wondering what we could have had. As I come to the last slide, to conclude the slideshow of our past, it’s plain with just a random candle, burning, slightly, but still.
June 3, 2009