June 2, 2009

Looking back I realized that the day that changed my life forever and would always be there nagging at me was this one. Since then I’ve done things, said things, and hung out with people I wouldn’t of if he were still here. Being seven didn’t really help things along because I never understood what was going on. When I was fist told we all just busted down and the tears flowed like waterfalls out of all of us especially my mother. I don’t think the tears ever stopped they were just a continuous trickle, a broken faucet that couldn’t be fixed. My sister was sort of the same way, and my father was more of a light tear here and there. Me, well I bawled just like everyone else when I fist heard the news but then for a long while I would have to say a couple weeks actually I just couldn’t cry. Not a tear would come out, and I found out that it was the shock. I was so shocked that I didn’t believe it yet, and now I know that’s true. I really did think it was all a dream and that I would just wake up in the morning and see it was all a horrible nightmare. Sadly my life became the nightmare.
* * *

Waking up is always a blur. Ugh, roll….wait. Hey something is missing here. I wonder to myself why my friend who had stayed the night last night isn’t here anymore. I walk slowly downstairs still confused but then I see my Gramie, Grampie, and Grandpa Ray. I can’t believe it this is so cool. I love it when they come over and they are all here at the same time! I jump on to Grandpa’s lap and ask them all why they are here. All the answer I got was that we have to wait for my sister to wake up. A little bit later they just go up and get her. The confusion is swept over me again. I just keep wondering what is going on. Then my sister gets down here and my parents call us into the living room.

“Girls…. your brother… he was…. in a car accident with his friends and he….” She broke right there and sobbed even harder as she finished with, “He didn’t make it.”

I remember her exact words perfectly and crying hysterically because I knew it was bad news. I was seven though so at first I didn’t really know that it meant my brother, my best friend was never coming home. The funeral was horrible, and to tell you the truth I don’t even remember it except seeing him cold and hard. I learned now that to protect our minds our brains suppress bad things. It’s a nice little thing, and I understand why we do it. Then again it is also bad. It’s gotten to the point where it wants to suppress the good things too. I don’t want that to happen but it is and as more and more time passes I find I am remembering him less and less. It’s not really fair that I got such little time with one of the best people in my life.

“Sam, when your 13 I’ll be 20 and have my own house. You will be coming over all the time right? If you want, I want you over and you can stay as long as you want. I will always be here for ya squirt,” Bruce finished real sentimentally and then added a gimmie a kiss at the end.

“Ewww!!” I screeched and ran. Oh he is so gross was all I was thinking.

At the time I never realized the sentiment behind this and how hard it would really be for him to keep his little promise. He always wanted to kiss me and I just thought it was the grosses thing in the world. I wish now that I had more moments like that with him. I know he loved me more than I can imagine and see that he would have kept true to everything he said, but he never got the chance. Life just isn’t fair. He will never be back to give me the love he used to and I barley even got to enjoy it. He was my best friend and now he’s gone. I have a good life now but I can’t help but feel if he were still here it would be great. When I think about him I have this hollow feeling that tells me something is missing. At first I didn’t know what it was but now I realize that it’s the place I held for him. It’s the love for him that I used to hold gone like a puff of wind. Gone like him forever.

The author's comments:
In loving memory of my brother. He was my everything and I miss him dearly.

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