Why I Traded My Boyfriend for a Fish This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

May 26, 2009
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Come on, girls, boyfriends are so last year! I say ditch the hair and upgrade to scales. Relationships in high school seem to cause nothing but superfluous troubles (at least for us girls). Why deal with the relentless waiting and worrying and wondering where he is? The solution is simple: trade in that expensive perfume, those blistering stilettos, and that minuscule mini for a shiny new fish! Yup, you heard me.

When searching for your ideal match, be it human or another type of vertebrate, chemistry is key. Alas, half the boys in high school are failing this subject miserably. Luckily, fish have only one concern: fresh or salty (water, that is). Once that barrier reef is crossed, it's smooth sailing.

With a boyfriend comes an added level of complexity. Admit it, girls, when you're apart from that “special someone,” you wouldn't dare let your cell phone out of sight. You check each minute to see if he sent a text or called, because even though the cell is in your hand, there is a slight chance you might not have heard it. Reality check: your phone is functioning fine; your significant other is the faulty one. Fish, on the other fin, swim contentedly in their bowl waiting for you to arrive (not the other way around).

Have you ever wondered why boys act so immaturely? In most cases it pertains to the size of their amygdala, which is found in what boys like to call their brain and is involved in processing emotion. In boys, the amygdala is much larger than for girls, increasing their aggression and competitiveness. This almond-shaped enemy is the catalyst of boyfriends' raging jealousy. If only the rest of their brain worked as efficiently!

Fishes' petite brains, however, contain no true amygdala. Therefore, your fish will permanently be ecstatic to see you and will never fret if you talk to another fish. And as far as cheating goes, a fish can't run around on you if it doesn't have legs (or an amygdala)!

It takes a lot to keep the relationship flame burning: time, attention, more time. Fish are low maintenance. It only needs to be fed once a day. If you take it out to dinner, even though you have to foot the bill, it won't eat much (You can't say the same for a high school boy).

One drawback is the tank. After a few weeks it can become a tad murky, so regular cleanings are essential. Then again, when dealing with a boyfriend, you can wash him and wash him, but in reality he is still going to be dirty (you all know what I mean)!

If you're at all like me, commitment can be an issue. After a while the exhilaration dies and I am ready for a new adventure. Fortunately or not, fish typically have a short life expectancy. And once one is flushed, all you need is 50 cents and a ride to the pet store. How effortless is that?

Don't get me wrong, girls, there is a guy out there for everyone. But remember there are more fish in the sea.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.

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This article has 9 comments. Post your own now!

KandyKiwi said...
Jul. 22, 2010 at 12:27 pm
Haha! I LOVE this one!!!
toxic.monkey said...
Apr. 4, 2010 at 10:14 am
i love how you related the fish to guys! it's a funny and meaningful article, i loved it!
M.Delic said...
Feb. 12, 2010 at 9:14 am
This is sooooo fabulous and funny. I loveeee it. Great job! :)
little-miss-sunshine said...
Nov. 18, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Lol! This was funny but at the same time had a great message. Loved it.
BriarRose This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 17, 2009 at 5:56 pm
wow. I absolutey love this piece!
and my fishies!
they are super-great listeners; annother reason fish rule
CaseyLeigh This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 16, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Hahahaha this is hilarious! Very satiric and truthful, with important evidence. Absolutely love the ending. :]
tor10jax said...
Jun. 22, 2009 at 5:31 pm
That was soo funny! good job
Swimgirl said...
Jun. 22, 2009 at 12:55 am
AWSOME!! The cleche at the end gives it a nice touch.
wishingstar_72 replied...
Jan. 26, 2010 at 9:47 am
This is FABULOUS!!! ( Throws roses at your feet...) =)
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