I'm Sorry

April 19, 2009
I set the phone down on the counter, taking deep breaths, trying to keep it cool.
It is 6:48 AM, as my mom drives me to South High School, I just try to keep controlled, for mom, I keep telling myself.

But I don’t think I can keep it up for that long. I don’t think I can be like this for so much as seconds. I need someone…

I get out of the car, on the inside dying, but on outside totally sane. The way I’ve been lately.
I walk through the doors and see my best friend, Megan, waving at me with a crooked grin on her face. She would never understand. I think to myself.
I fake a smile, and walk over to her.

“Hey,” She says.
I look at her innocent brown eyes, her soft bone structure; and realize she is only a teenager; so am I, but in some, ludicrous, way there is an immense, difference between us.
“Hi,” I hear myself say back.
We start walking toward our lockers; she starts gabbing about something on American Idol. I don’t really pay that much attention.
Mostly I daydream about if I were to tell her…. What would she say? Would she feel sorry for me? That was the last thing I need right about now anyone to pity me…. But what exactly do I need right now?
“Hello? Are you there?” Megan is waving a hand in front of me.
“Yeah, sorry. Just… was thinking.” I hear myself say softly.
“Oh, well I’ll see you next class.” She smiles then prances off.
“Ok,” I say even though I know it is far too late for her to hear me.
I go to my locker, open it, and there smack dab, in the middle, the picture… The tears start rushing to my eyes. I put my stuff in my locker and decide to relocate myself in the girls’ locker rooms.
I sit there, dabbing the tears, listening to the message over and over again.
I hear the warning bell, tun off my phone, and march out of the locker room. I knew I was going to have to deal with this one way or another.
I go through my classes, physically there, but mentally not. Then finally saved by the bell, I sprint out of the room. I wait till everyone is gone then go to the bathrooms and start bawling my eyes out.
When I turn to breathing really hard and able to think a little more clearly. I turn on my phone and listen to the messages again. Then I hear something, a door. Who? Why? Nobody ever uses the bathroom, unless it was for checking his or her cell.
I hear a voice…
“Sadie?” It was Megan.
I debate on whether I should answer or not answer. But before I decide, she opens the stall and sees me there.
“What happened?” She asks.
I look at her. And realize I must have looked like I was on crack. I have no choice.
“Conner died…” I tell her.
“WHAT?” She squeals.
“Plane accident.” I close my eyes, lean my head back, and just let the words that cannot be said my face.
“What the hell was he doing on a plane?” Megan asks.
So I tell her everything.
“His, mom… got a job offering in Miami, Florida. She wanted to live there for awhile. He had to leave. He didn’t want to, he wanted to take me with him. Or stay here with me. But his mom made him. We had gotten into so many fights over the summer. He left the 18th of August. I didn’t want to say goodbye.” I look at the ground and mutter, “I thought it would hurt to much. But then I woke up, and realized I would never see him again. So I took a taxi to the airport. He was already gone. I didn’t even say goodbye Megan.” I look up at her. Not caring anymore of what she thinks of me. “I feel so horrible.” The crying started again. “We fought so much… and it… turned out… l-like this…w-why…. Me?” I ask between tearless sobs.
Megan just bore her eyes into me.
Then after a moment of lament and silence, she speaks,
“But you two loved each other. He proposed to you on your 18th birthday! He-”
“I KNOW!” I wail. “How come this? He was so perfect. I let him slip between my fingers,” I try a weak snap with my fingers, unsuccessfully. “And now I can’t even SNAP!” I wail even more. By now anything will make me cry harder.
“Megan, help me. I can’t live without him! I didn’t even think I could live with him in Florida! But now he’s gone! If the world is still spinning and I’m still breathing air through my lungs it will never be right if him and me aren’t together! I feel a hole in my chest! God!” I stop to catch my breath, then start sobbing again. “I c-can’t…I can’t…. Live without him… Can’t breathe…. I dre…dream... About him!” I blubber between more tearless sobs.
By now all my makeup is gone, swiped away by my hand. Revealing a person that I never thought would become public. But here I am now. Sitting in a bathroom stall, using the entire roll of toilet paper, and with of all people… Megan. Standing here looking down at me.
I am pathetic.
She sits down next to me and hugs me. I clean myself up.
“I’m sorry.”





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