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A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Otherwise Inevitable Classroom Mutiny

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It is a melancholy object to those who walk through the great classroom corridors as they witness the absolutely atrocious behaviors of the adolescent delinquents within each and every establishment. Their poor educators and benefactors are pushed around and unable to conduct effective educational studies, and thus they produce even more deplorable rapscallions of the remaining initially-obedient classroom dwellers.
Therefore, all involved parties must have similarly reached a consensus that this rampant tomfoolery must be halted and these ruffians reformed, lest the nation be overrun by hooligans. My own intention is just that, and hopefully works to a much greater extent to produce well-mannered young ladies and gentlemen to lead the future.
Having pondered upon this subject for a great many years, I have carefully considered each and every point of view in this worsening situation; juvenile delinquency knows no age barrier, and may fully erupt at any age; my proposal is to be considered for all elementary schoolchildren as well as maturing (only physically, of course) young adults in junior high and high schools; thus the poor schoolmasters and educators shall be saved from chaotic fits of rebellion.
The number of souls in this great nation being numbered at approximately 300 million, a good fifth of which surely must be attending some sort of educational facility, results in nearly sixty million unkempt, rowdy rascals plaguing the country; I shall subtract a sixth for those who inherently refrain from such depraved behavior, although eventually they shall join their ranks anyway, seeing the course the nation is currently set on, and thus we result in a solid fifty million requiring disciplinary action. Thus, a great two million poor souls, assuming a somewhat average student-teacher ratio of twenty five to one, are afflicted with a horrid chronic plague of lazy, disobedient, and rebellious scoundrels.
I am assured by reliable sources that the graduation or passing of these knaves, accompanied with their new careers, is based on a resigned reluctance that requires certain pass rates, and they have not actually changed in any way, shape, or form. They are still the same rambunctious rebels causing the same destructive mischief, only now in positions of considerably greater power.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
A well-versed colleague and psychologist has assured me that continued usage of increasingly painful electrical shocks to the cerebral and cranial tissue of the young adolescent has resulted in very pleasant outcomes, and I have not any doubt that it could serve the same purpose in disciplining our otherwise uncontrollable little successors.
As a result, I must humbly promote this method to the public, for saving the two million unfortunate souls of burden as well as the fifty million chaotic imps that otherwise would ransack contemporary society as we know it. My conjecture is that each student should be fitted with a tiny, nearly costless microchip near the cerebral cortex, and thus be shocked with painful, uncomfortable shocks, after exhibiting undesirable juvenile activity. Soon, the aforementioned fifty million delinquents should drop to unprecedented record lows, and their two million mentors shall be relieved. Moreover, as these shocks shall be ingrained all throughout their lives, these students shall become productive members of society, whether through subduing their inherent urge for chaos or actually reforming their behavior.
I also suspect that the twenty million or so parents of these fifty million burdens will suddenly come to reconcile with their previously stubborn, rebellious children, and should greatly condone this new method of discipline, utilizing the microchip to its full potential in their home lives.
As shown by psychological research and studies, however, humans, if one can classify these beasts as such, develop resistances and immunities to repeated stimuli of the same intensity. As a result, each subsequent shock shall be increased in voltage, delivering more and more painful zaps as their behavior continues, and soon they should learn to associate such negative behavior with great pain and discomfort. This behavior should altogether disappear, and if not, the increasing voltage should take of the problem on its own, eventually.
The more creative-minded could see not only a great disciplinary tool, but also an extremely effective learning tool. My aforementioned psychologist colleague, whose extensive knowledge I always admire and whose input always refines listeners’ thoughts, would agree in my hypothesis that the most efficient learning results from punishments for failure to sufficiently meet certain standards, as evident in several research studies as well as in the tendencies for certain social and ethnic groups to perform better due to punishments. The weak-willed, he once argued, would not be a terrible loss to the inevitable results of continued electroshock “therapy”, as they would not have had very beneficial impacts on society anyway; his bordering upon blatant cruelty has, admittedly, been the most concerning area of the adoption of my proposal, no matter the intent.
However, this very outspoken acquaintance of mine has supported and rationalized his argument with the proven success of punishment in reforming individuals’ actions, and only holds such a controversial view because of the great deal of highly respected psychology idols that have previously condoned or even pioneered such forms of behavior manipulation. As for myself, I honestly could not refute my friend’s support, as these shock victims surely could have not been reformed to become productive members of society in any other way, anyway.
I must return to the subject at hand, having digressed far too long. The advantages of my proposal clearly outweigh its disadvantages in any case.
Firstly, the unfortunate, unhappy teachers and mentors of the nation would cease dealing with the epidemic stress that has plagued them for far too long, causing many to develop nearly-psychotic states of mind in order to cope.
Secondly, it would result in a greatly reduced number of undisciplined immaturities, for such impurities would be weeded out.
Thirdly, the nation’s productivity shall increase, as the unruly, juvenile behavior of a significant portion of the work force shall be disciplined.
Fourthly, the implementation of a new technology shall stimulate the nation’s economy, a desperately needed result in today’s world.
Fifthly, familial bonds shall be restored to previous generations’ prominence, for even though the bonds may be forced due to the parents’ control of the shocks, there will inevitably be several commonalities to result that shall restore the otherwise ever-growing rift between the two generations.
These are merely a few amongst several other advantages; for example, people’s temperance may become much greater and compromise might become much easier to obtain, resulting in fewer global conflicts. But these other advantages shall not be listed, for the sake of brevity.
Therefore, let no man talk to me of other expedience. I must admit, however, that this proposal holds no personal interest or gain for my own sake, for I have not the slightest interest in promoting this great ordeal of reform, but I am simply offering a solution to resolve a major conflict in today’s society. I am no teacher myself, and I have no negative conflicts with the rowdy, rambunctious students, for I consider myself to possess quite a strong disposition towards, well, no dispositions or bias.

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