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Scarred for Life
Depression in the United States has reached rocketing numbers. It is the country with the highest depression rate. I cannot bear to see gloominess, especially when my own feelings are so felicitous. They can only be felicitous. Therefore, being a valid advocate because I am one of the few who has luckily received a Temporal Lobe Tamper Treatment and am of the few with the authorization and no objection to perform the Temporal Lobe Tamper Treatment surgery, I strongly encourage the tampering of all of the populace’s brains to a state of perpetual merriment. I strongly encourage hospitals to offer the surgery to newborns, instead of making the superb procedure obscure and accessible only through the shady website: www.brainbane.com. The mothers should receive an invitation immediately after the baby is born. The early carrying out results in: a simple surgery because of the soft and easily manipulated head, a house free from what I remember to be annoying crying and whining for the first couple of years, and a baby with an easier life. Depression has the power to create intrapersonal, interpersonal, medical, work, and economic problems. Thus, the Temporal Lobe Tamper Treatment would eliminate the turbulence of being human.
The new creature’s cranium is as spongy as a birthday brownie: perfect for perforating miniature brain holes that resemble swimming pools of uncongealed Jell-O. The kaleidoscopic-colored scalpels and music-making drill provide a jolly surgical environment for the temporarily upset baby and the motivated surgeon. The zany procedure is so insanely easy that an inebriated college student actually performed it first. He had just failed the big final exam of medical school completion, so he wished to prove his wondrous abilities. He did so with rats. The peppy procedure is as follows: embrace the baby after tugging it from the womb, wipe the blood from the right cheek and kiss it, spank the buttocks gently until a cry is expelled, and apply anesthetics. Be wary of the doses, for babies can easily fall into a deep dream with miscalculated anesthesia. For the serious part of the procedure it is beneficial to attempt to stop smiling after gazing at such baby cuteness. Grab a circular stencil with a three inch diameter and a sharpie of your choice from the yellow and purple supply box labeled “magic chest.” Seek a fontanel, or soft spot, near the bottom of the head. The temporal lobe must be accessible after making the orifice. Lastly, trace a circle on the desired spot of the head, cut the round skin and put it to the side, drill the indicated holes on the cartilage and temporal lobe, and sew the skin back to its original position. The infant should be homeward bound and happy in two weeks.
Essentially, the Temporal Lobe Tamper Treatment alters the temporal lobe in such a way that emotions such as nostalgia, melancholy, bitterness, and fury would be eliminated from the patient’s life. Infinitesimal holes are drilled in the parts of the brain that are in charge of other emotions, thus removing the brain’s ability to function wholly with emotions.
Depression causes intrapersonal problems. There can easily come addictions for pills, cigarettes, alcohol, or cutting, and life hazards for the depressed and for the people associated with the depressed by means of suicide and murder. The miraculous surgery would eliminate incidents such as the death of Michael Jackson and the Virginia Tech massacre.
The earth has approximately six-billion inhabitants, so human contact is inevitable.
Depression sucks the joys of interpersonal relationships by creating instability with families and friends. The immense divorce rate is directly attributed to emotional grayness within the hearts of the lovers. Miniscule disagreements, such as the mystery of the unraked leaves and unwashed dishes, turn into brawls. The union between a couple when just fifty-percent of the couple is depressed turns into a motive for divorce, because depression has mind control over humans. It has the power to make beings speak the truth and exaggerate at times, and the former is always hazardous. Vulnerable offspring absorb negativity from the parents, the saddened sons and daughters disperse the negativity in the school hallways, the infected from school return home to inflict gloom on the family, and eventually everyone has received a dosage of despair. The Temporal Lobe Tamper Treatment would produce harmonious stitches in the colorful quilt of humanity. Families would fill the mold of stereotypical television families. The siblings would play catch while the spouses cooked dinner, all with massive grins. Best friends would no longer babble about trivialities of their evil boyfriend. Instead they would babble trivialities of the weather.
Depression is a self-induced poison for the body, as it instigates somatic illnesses, chronic diseases, and eating disorders. It is a universally accepted fact that stress brings migraines. More than likely, depression is also guilty for the knee pain, back pain, and stomach pain, because the chemicals released in times of troughs eat away at the body. Chronic diseases are likewise instigated by depression. Numerous diabetics claim to have suffered from high amounts of melancholy sometime in their life, while abounding cancer patients divulge the depression of former years. It is not coincidental that cancer and diabetes rates are gargantuan in the United States. Lastly, the human’s innate wish to abide by social expectations to find acceptance results in huge depression. Thus, victims will become anorexic or bulimic to find approval, or they will binge eat to drown away sorrows. Both actions are equally disastrous, as being obese or underweight can result in a physical death, right after the emotional death. Thus, after the necessary treatment, the United States issues with healthcare will be indubitably ameliorated, and all will be as bright, cheery, and vivaciously healthy as a daisy garden.
Fatigue and apathy are fed with depression. Millions of jobs are impregnated with workers with low output due to emotional instability. Millions of students receive failing grades and suffer from behavioral problems because of depression. Consequently, families receive pitiful salaries and students drop out of high school. By implementing the Temporal Lobe Tamper Treatment, workers can provide better service, employers will receive quality work, employees will absorb a higher income, and students will complete high school and college.
Lastly, as the population rattles in anguish, the country’s pockets rattle with money. The economic strain that depression causes on individuals is a blessing to businesses. Businesses want the country to be blue. How else would doctors inhale income from check-ups and antidepressant medication? How else would ludicrous dietary programs scrape cents? How else would comfort food sellers of ice cream and chocolate vacuum dollars? How else would bars and taverns reap revenue? By enforcing the Temporal Lobe Tamper Treatment, the exploitation of humankind and its weaknesses will be halted. All will gather around the bonfire to sing Kumbaya.
Opposers vacuously state that pure happiness is not human, that stress aids the learning processes, and that depression can spark creativity and leviathans of art. The first argument is understandable, because everyone is so accustomed to living in a strife-knifed world that pure bliss seems terrifying. Not so. The world will willingly and hastily come to appreciate the continuous chuckles, chortles, and jubilant visages. While stress does lead to invaluable mistakes that mold a human’s brain to a point where grand learning is obtained, living in a world with pure happiness would eliminate mistakes completely. People would be illuminated and notice that there is no reason to try novel ideas, because failure is such a probable outcome. Rather, people will tell jokes all day and have no need for societal improvement. It will be perfect. While art will be altered, it will be for the best. No longer will ears suffer the woes of orchestral pieces that sound like the lament of a song bird in agony. No longer will eyes tear at the sight of Picasso’s blue period dark paintings of war and solemnities. All tunes will ring with major scales and high tintinnabulations. All paintings will have the dominant colors of yellow, lime green, hot pink, and red-orange.
Therefore, dissatisfaction with a country seeping with inhabitants that have received a Temporal Lobe Tamper Treatment is utterly impossible. This miraculous surgery will be the solution to intrapersonal, interpersonal, medical, work, and economic difficulties.