I have been s*** on and chewed up during a conversation with my peers in history class at my school.
“We don’t want you in our group,” a girl spat.
“Where are you even looking at?” a guy laughed.
I was crashing down. I fought and fought. I was like a tiny flower trying to peak in a crack of cement that kept pouring layer after layer. I wasn’t black or blue, but I was emotionally bruised. Until the day the flower broke through.
Have you ever been insecure about something that you can’t change? Mine happens to be my eye. I’ve dealt with my eye problem my whole life. When I was just 2 weeks old, a tumor started to grow on my eyelid. The doctors said there couldn’t be surgery done until it shrunk. With that being said, my mom took me to a healing service where people laid their hands on me and prayed. From that day, the tumor started to decrease and disappeared in a span of 6 months. I had my first surgery when I was two; the doctors straightened my eye out so it wasn’t going all over the place. When I was six, I had my second surgery. The doctors took a bone out of my hip to raise my eye up. I had to wear a patch over my eye for 50 hours a week. I was scared what the kids were going to say at school. Out of fear, I wore the patch from 3:30-9:00 after school every day and woke up extra early on the weekends to reach my 50 hours. Of course, I couldn’t always hide the patch. While my mom and I were in public, adults would come up and ask,
“Did your mommy hit you?” or “Did your brother throw you against a tree?” Little did they know, we didn’t have trees in our yard.
The bullying didn’t start until 5th grade. I was called a ‘lazy eyed b****’ by a guy who supposedly had a crush on me. He’s not very good at flirting. In middle school, I was told to go kill myself because I looked like a monster. After that, I didn’t get any crap for it.
Until November of 2017. I was called a ‘lazy eye havin’ ass b****’ by a girl I’ve never talked to before. I thought to myself, “Honey, you’re a couple years late. 5th grade Payton already heard that before.” Although, telling myself that didn’t help. Honestly, I don’t know why her words hit me so hard, but tears were running down my face for hours.
Over the years, and as the days go by, I realize that overcoming my tumor and my surgeries was a miracle. I’m pretty dang lucky to just have a lazy eye.
It’s the very first breath I looked forward to. In my third grade year, I took swimming lessons. I was on level three. Underwater, my eyes were open and I couldn’t pick up the blue ring. I looked up at the sun’s reflection, knowing the outcome. The teacher handed me the paper with a big red stamp.
“Better luck next time!” she said. I was the only kid who had to stay back while the other kids got to swim ahead. My eyes flooded, but I didn’t drown. My lifejacket was secure and brought me to the top in seconds. The flood turned dry. Last summer, I got a suit and a whistle. Just keep swimming.
I don’t know much about algebra, but I know one plus one equals two. I haven’t gotten a 4.0 GPA since middle school. There could be ten problems on a page, but I saw ninety-nine problems. I have always asked for help when needed, which was almost every day. I was the only kid who looked like a deer in headlights when I had to answer a question in class. I hated math, but I worked hourlessly on equations. Although I had a B, the grade didn’t define me. I chose to push myself and not quit until the job got done.
When we were young, he said he loved me. I caught him with another girl. He went far under the bar in a matter of seconds.
“It’s not what you think,” He said. My face said more than verbal communication. Was there something wrong with me? No. I gave him the world when he gave me nothing. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. We are never getting back together. Like ever.
“Two more years,” I thought to myself as the conversation ended. As the bell rang, there was a herd of students walking together in packs towards the door.
“Party tonight at my house!” yelled Soloman. My school is nothing like it used to be. If you don’t drink, do drugs, or have sex, then you’re a nobody. My herd of one, scrolled through snapchat stories, as I came across the doors that I walked out of one last time, and came across my friends from a different school. I missed them. They looked so happy. Once a Saber, always a Saber.
Change, change your life, take it all. I walked into my friends’ school for the first time. Those doors gave me a future and friendships. Everything happens for a reason, and I had the choice to let words rip me or not, keep swimming or not, figure problems out or not, get rid of toxic relationships or not, and I also had the choice of happiness or not. A little rain hasn’t hurt anybody; besides, it makes flowers grow. The past is history. I lost a few petals, but it’s only made me stronger. This flower wants to be somebody.