A Modest Proposal: A Satirical Solution for Gun Control

November 11, 2016

It is a melancholy object to every inhabitant of these United States if anyone believes that gun violence is not a real issue. In fact, it is probably the ONLY issue worth focusing on; all others are nullified by this problem because they are so miniscule compared to it. People just like you are being shot each and every day because firearms are so prevalent! There are about 89 guns for every 100 Americans, which is an insurmountable number compared to other countries, such as the U.K., where there are about 5. If this issue continues, soon the U.S.A. will be reduced to a wasteland, where everyone is being shot, left and right, until there is no one remaining to shoot anyone else.

I think it is agreed by all parties that the life-threatening occurrence of gun violence in the U.S. of A. is the biggest problem that any person should think about, even above education and feeding the homeless, so it is extremely imperative that a costly solution is thought up ASAP to ensure the children of the future are allowed to live in peace and prosperity forever.

But my intention is far from being confined to provide only for the betterment of the lives of people in America; it is actually in the context of creating an overall better future for everything and everyone in the world, because when this issue is abolished, it stands to reason that the world will follow suit, because America is the most important, most exemplary world leader that this Earth has had the grace of housing in the history of forever.

As to my own part, I have studied the proposals of other projectors, and concluded that they are not nearly as efficient as they claim to be. For example, background checks? How will that make the problem disappear when the guns are already in the hands of terrorists? A registered gun owner would have to return to the store and re-test to see if he or she is eligible to keep their hard-earned weapons. Another idea people come up with is stricter gun regulations, which disallows rifles and other high-powered, high caliber weapons from falling into the hands of our enemies. But what is the easiest way to get around this, I wonder? Oh, only the Black Market, where every person who has ever disobeyed a rule hangs out. Also gun shows, but the former sounds better, so that is what will stand. These two ideas are great, but they never could solve the problem, wholly and completely.

I will now present my own idea, which I hope will not be subject to any disagreement.

I humbly offer it to public consideration that humankind as a cohesive and cooperative unit, should return their guns to the nearest public office immediately, without any hesitation or exception (yes, that dinky woman’s ankle gun has to go, as well).

In this scenario, every firearm in America will be swiftly eliminated and put back into the manufacturer’s hands, who will melt them down, and turn them into something useful, such as other killing machines, like spoons, or a car.

Of course, there will need to be the elimination of firearms in police use as well; they are part of America, too, and need to live up to the new standard and uphold the law. The military will need to cease any use of firearms within borders, as well, because they are our protectors, and we need to feel safe around them. Invaders will need to follow the law, too; they are guests in our house, and need to treat us with the respect we deserve.

These drastic and sudden changes may affect how people live their lives, as many make a living off of gun retail and manufacturing, but their sacrifice of income will be necessary to insure the safety of our children.

I can think of no valid objection that may be introduced to antagonize this proposal, as it seems like the only logical step to remove the threat of gun violence entirely: no guns, no gun violence. Bulletproof plan, overall, if I do say so myself.

Again, no one should dare to suggest these notions to me until they have a small spark of hope that these actions may be implemented.

It is not that I do not respect the input of others on the subject of solutions to this topic, but simply that they are not thinking in the long-term, and I am. My ideas, being that I am young, are better than any old-world view, because they have absolutely no clue how young people will operate when they are left alone. So, anyone else can just drop their work now - I win the internet, and the rest of the world.

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