Finding Happiness

It seems like sometimes, no matter what you do, it's never good enough for him. Things never change even though he says they will but promises never meant ditlly squat. I have grown into a strong woman who has learned to trust no one but myself.
Growing up with a alcoholic dad has been nothing but a living hell. You hear stories about people who are alcoholics but you can't actually say you know what it feels like to live with one until you really do. I always thought things would change but of course they never did. I spent 14 years of my life believing, hoping, and praying my heart out that the man I called dad would change out of his nasty habits. But I soon found out that i couldn't change anything, it was all in him. My dad had to want it more than anything. And sometimes he would fool my mother and I into the fact that he would change. things like "I promise I will change, I'm not going to drink anymore" would always make me feel so much better until the next day I would come home and he would be passed out in bed from drinking too much. When I was little I didn't really understand fully about my dad's problem, I didn't know that what he did was effecting my mom and I so much. Slowly my dad was tearing our small family apart. And at times I thought that our little family of 3 was going to get even smaller.
My mom has thought about leaving him but even though my dad drinks i couldn't imagine life without a dad around. Now when my dad was sober, my life was a whole other story. Life wasn't perfect but it was definitely better than the nights when my dad was totally out of it. I remember I would always look up to him because I thought he was an amazing dad that loved me so much. But why would he drink so much if he really loved me so much? That's what I could never figure out.. And I still haven't to this day.
one of the worst memories I have of my dad is when I was 14 and I was about to leave on a two week trip to Califorina to go visit my grandma and the day before I left I really wanted to spend with my dad. Of course a couple days before I said "daddy, i want to spend the day before I leave for Cali with you" and he said he would love to. So the last morning that I was home I had a 10 AM dentist appointment so my mom was going to take me then I would come home and spend the rest of the day with daddy. So I went to the dentist, I came home around noon. We pull into the driveway, my dad's car is in the driveway, I get excited because I can't wait to go shot some hoops with my dad. And maybe watch some TV and eat lots of ice cream. I race out of the car and dash through the door... dead silence.. "DADDY?" I yell and all I can hear is the echo of my voice in the living room. My eyes start to water and my knees lock. I feel like I want to kill someone. I wipe my finger under my eye to keep my make up from smearing. I slug up the stairs and just I suspected my dad's bedroom door is shut. I know what has happened. My dad drank so much he is passed out in bed. My sweaty palms grip onto the handle of my dad's door and I get that knot in my stomach that makes me want to through up. I crack the door and my eyes shut because there so full of tears. I open the eyes of girl who wishes she had a dad to spend just a couple hours with and see what little girls aren't supposed to see. I slam the door shut and go to my room. Now I'm crying so hard I don't care what my makeup is doing. My mom comes to my room and tried to make things better but like always it doesn't work. How could I be happy when someone I love so much is doing something so bad? If everything happens for a reason, what is the reason for such bad behavior from a dad? Is it to teach me not to drink? Or is it to make me a stronger person?

Now I'm fifteen years old and things are not much better, in fact I would say they are worse. I found out 2 months ago that my mom has phase three breast cancer and will be fighting for her life over the next couple months. However I'm the girl you see in the mall or in the hallways at school and I have a smile plastered on my face. I smile because there are so many kids and teens going through the same things I am and there's no reason I should let it bring me down. I stand my ground and remain to think positive. When things seem so hard, I look up and take a deep breath of relief because I know that the big man upstairs never gives us more than we can handle. I do have things that should and have changed the way I live but I've came to the conclusion that everything one goes through during a life time happens for a reason. Maybe my mom having breast cancer will change my dad for the better, or it might have things even more heated. I really have no idea, but for now I hold my head high and only hope for the best!
So I hope by you reading this you will never let someone or something tragic bring you down, because even if the times you are dealing with seem rough, things will only get better. I promise.





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skye0114 said...
Jul. 8, 2009 at 1:47 pm
its hard to want something you know might never happen but its even harder to walk away especially when it was the only thing you ever wanted. im a 14 year old girl and im still hoping my dad will stop drinking.... one day*
 
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