Heart's Hole

February 4, 2009
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When you nearly lose that person you love you realise, almost to the full extent, just how much you'd be lost without them. When you love someone so deeply, it becomes instinct that you grow to be dependant on them and dedicate your absolute life to them-from the simplicity of your pizza slice or ten dollars for parking, to the more complex and meaningful things, such as a precious ring you don't leave the house without or even society. When you're in love, your happiness becomes their happiness and their happiness becomes your devotion. Love is sacrificial. When you love, you surrender aspects in your life that you'd have never thought you'd sacrifice before. When you're in love,
Love becomes your world.

To an extent we live on a fantasy island. Our imagination overrides our reality and our longing for a perfect, flawless relationship becomes heavily shattered when reality sees through. The reality of course being, that
nothing in this world is seamless
-relationships included. We become so attached to what we believe love should be (unblemished and unspoiled) that we have a tendency to even ignore a realistic view on the idea. No one wants to acknowledge the arguments, the disagreements or the days where we are unspoken to the one we love. And no one wants to think about that dreadful possibility of losing that person. But in giving them our absolute everything, love is in fact risky. Unexpected situations do arise to provoke these risks. So what would happen, then, if we lost that one person that we've dedicated everything to?

Our lives become so caught up in our romances that one never really takes the time to ask the 'what ifs?'-the realistic possibilities. And when one finally is confronted by reality, it hits them pretty damn hard. Reality has this sneaky way of leaking through our imaginations and one wonders, why can't reality ultimately be our fantasy?

Personally, I believe it can.

It's those little cracks in relationships that can cause controversy. It's frightening to think that even the mentioning of the smallest things can act as the base of a break up. And even scarier to acknowledge, that you could lose that person forever. When you give someone your all, and they let go, you're left with nothing.
And it's that feeling.
That feeling when you think you've actually lost them. No one wants to ever feel that. No one deserves to feel that. It's that awareness where it's as though your whole world, and everything that's been a part of it just collapses and demolishes into nothing. Absolute emptiness. Everything that ever mattered, everyone that you ever cared for-gone. The memories, the sacrifices, and the love-it feels as though it was all for nothing- a journey unaccomplished. And then you think to yourself. 'I can't believe I sacrificed everything, endured anything-for nothing-just to lose it all in the end'. The impact of such an event averts your mind to believe that you've lost your all. And that realisation that they're gone? It leaves you with feelings of emptiness, cold, misplacement and distress. It's as though you've been thrown into a pit of nothingness- no sense of direction, no form of self-identification, no friends, no family,
no love to guide you.
It drives you to think outside your normality.
Suicidal thoughts. Thoughts of depression. A lonely life. A refusal to move forward. A refusal to let go.

And, ultimately, the inability to ever fall in love again.

When people are in the heat of the moment, they can say things that they wouldn't say in their normal state of mind. And because they are in that heat, they, themselves believe that, that is in fact their normal trail of thought. And no matter how hard you try to convince that person, you can't help but think that one day, it's not going to work. And that is what frightens us the most. We want so badly for those we love to hold on no matter what that we ultimately believe them when they promise that they won't let go. But then something small can set off a whole heap of fireworks and you don't know what to believe anymore. Losing that person we love with our whole life becomes our ultimate fear, even overriding our phobias.

I ask myself; 'how could I love someone so much that I couldn't live without them?'.
Well,there's just this feeling, this strong fulfilling feeling that becomes so real and so warm that I know that I need it to live. It's different, unusual and ultimately, it makes me happy. And I love him. I love him so much just writing this is provoking that lump in my throat to just explode to a million pieces. That's why I fight and I fight and I fight for what belongs to us. I know it's worth it. Everything is worth it.
I can sense this relationship is something that is supposed to exist- as tough as it may be at times. There's all these signs that suggest so-from the unusual dinner at Chinatown to my parents unexpectedly coming across us on the night I nearly lost him. It's these things along with my love that drives me to be strong. And I'm going to hold on no matter what. In my case, knowing the realities motivates me to fulfill my fantasies-my fantasies of course being, an undisturbed, almost perfect and completely happy relationship.

The hardships make us stronger and I strongly believe that this strength will be what makes our perfect imaginary romance unravel in the end. We just need faith, as a girl once said in a park, crying on the shoulder of her love,

'You have to believe me.

You just have to believe me.

You just have to believe me'

I love you...'





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