What Else Do I Have To Live For?

January 24, 2009
By Candice Smith, High Point, NC

What else do I have to live for?...

That’s the very last thing he said to me.
Yep, and I didn’t even stay around to say what was on my mind.
Cause I thought that I'd be better off not knowing if he was right for me. I think I was wrong.


We were at my uncles wedding, it was so gorgeous; flowers everywhere and don't get me started on the food, because wow it was amazing. I looked beautiful, at least that’s what he told me when I caught him staring at me. I cracked a half smile; so glad that I had invited him. I told him he looked very handsome himself, but I guess he got distracted and didn’t notice my comment. Franchesca, his ex girlfriend was being a total “big flirt”, and parading her short cocktail dress around him like a tramp. I know we’re just “friends”, I guess, but I just cant seem to stop thinking that there’s a little more than that. She’s all sexy and pumpin’ and I never did think I could compete with that, nonetheless beat that. So she flows over to him looking glam and whatnot, and then out of nowhere-they kiss. My face tightens, my hands start forming fists, I lost every thought I was just thinking, and one single tear fell down my cheek. It was all in slow motion as he glanced over at me to see my eyes fluster into red bombs, I managed one thought; RUN! ...Not even knowing where I was going my feet took off, not looking back to see him chasing after me. Yelling for me to stop, I finally ran out of breath and gave up, and he caught up. Immediately he grabbed me wanting an explanation, I broke out in massive tears and told him every feeling I’ve had for him. He replied, “Never in a million years would I have thought you would say something so meaningful like that to me“. I nodded like, yeah whatever, and im your princess and your my prince right?, and we’re gonna live happily ever after together, huh?, tears strolling down my face still. Then he said he missed the times we used to spend together so much and wanted to be with me, Franchesca meant absolutely nothing to him, and he never wanted us to be “just friends” in the first place. He didn’t know how to tell me before cause he hates rejection. I cried a little more before letting out a big sigh and telling him “There’s no other guy that’s made me feel how you make me feel, and...“ Franchesca ran up and interrupted me sternly, and yelled at him for a reason why he ran away. I told him it was typical that this would happen, and then I walked back towards my uncles wedding. He simply told her he didn’t want her, and he doesn’t have the same feelings for her anymore, too bad I heard none of that and kept walking; wiping the left over tears away from my eyes. I felt so hurt and angry, thinking once again I had a chance...what chance? The chance that he would hurt me, go back to Franchesca, no he wont do that to me cause im done, im done. I heard footsteps running up to me at my side, I didn’t budge from my sub consciousness and kept walking, a little faster now that I knew it was him. He asked me what’s my problem, I just thought to myself “Wow, my problem!” then I accidentally said it. I think I surprised him cause he stepped back a little more, like to protect himself from any punches I might throw. He asked me why was I bugging out, and that he had told Franchesca to leave him alone. But something in me didn’t believe him, whether it was the truth or not my mind just made its mind up all on its own; and that kiss made everything worse. I looked in his eyes and told him “What does it matter anymore, we were never gonna be together anyways, so I guess I did you a favor and you should run back to Franchesca and tell her it was all just a big mistake, okay? “Then he said to me, “She‘s not even close to what I want in a girl”, “You’re the girl”. I shook his comment off like it was nothing, and walked away only to hear him whisper...”What else do I have to live for?”.
I froze, and looked down as one single tear fell onto the pavement.
Then I looked back up, and kept walking.

The author's comments:
I always try to express myself in ways of emotion, because I believe that’s what rules this world we live in. Feelings that are brought up the wrong way, misunderstandings, doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, finding complete beauty in disaster; and at the same time defining yourself as a beautiful disaster.

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