Take a chance

January 14, 2009
My mind is a thousand miles away as my fist connects violently with the locker, which of course causes a few heads to turn. I hear nothing and can only read her lips, “I believe you!”
“K” I respond back as I walk heading towards English class. She knows me all too well, because suddenly I feel a force arrest me in my step. It’s her hand grabbing at the collar of my shirt.
“Stop it!” she begs, again no sound seems to reach my brain.
“Stop what?” I say calmly
“Please just stop” this time her beautiful brown eyes get bigger and it’s more like her eyes are speaking.
“I’m gonna be late” with a harsh tone added to my voice
“I said I believe you”
“..And I said ok”
“Are we good?”
“Can I at least have a kiss bye?”
This has happened before so I know this argument isn’t going to go anywhere until she’s happy. I softly touch her lips, but as we go different ways we both know it wasn’t a kiss of love, but more of a departure.

Could it be that that only an hour later I have such different thoughts? I’m sitting at the side of the class resting my head on a pillow and I suddenly regret hitting the locker and upsetting her with my harsh words. I regret not saying, “Its ok.” I regret not picking her up off her feet and just saying, “I love you.” just to see her smile that amazing smile that can always please my heart. Mr. Fryer leads the class into discussion and I only listen when I know he’s going to call on me or when I feel that I’ve begun to stray off too much and he’s starting to give me that look. Then my mood changes again. As I lie and ponder these many thoughts I find myself filled with hatred that I let her off so easily. What sucks more is that I think too much about the situation.

Why am I leading her on? Why is that I find so easily to cheat on her
yet I feel I would die without her. Why is that I seem to want her closer and farther at the same time. Each second I yearn to wrap at my arms around her, and each second I feel the need to end this all. What could be wrong? How can one be filled with love for another, yet have a deep sense of hatred for that same being? The truth behind my hatred, is the mere fact that I hate loving someone. I hate caring for another. Why should we let ourselves fall into a deep sense of care and compassion? Sure we get a lot of smiles and joy from being able to share everything with someone, but the exact same feeling can come right back and bite you in the a**.

Oh so faintly I hear a soft buzzing sound, a very quiet sound. I instinctively walk straight towards the door and head out into the large crowd of teenagers. I head towards that same exact locker that I had an earlier confrontation with, and there she is, oh so beautifully putting her books away. I calmly approach her and stand against the other locker and she looks up acknowledging that I am there…. Almost immediately she stands up and her gorgeous brown pupils grow large as two words slip from her tongue, “I’m sorry.” Her facial expression is that of one who is just deeply saddened. I despise this face because I know perfectly what it does to me. Slowly but surely my thoughts drift off back to memories

It was late in the summer with the sun saying its final goodbyes, and a warm cool mist feeling in the air. It was an unusual night. Like most summer days I was spending time with my special loved one. For some reason this night seemed distant from the others. The usual holding her around the waist method didn’t apply tonight. Instead we were sitting outside without even uttering a peep. Although no more then 10 words were said, I’ve never felt more together then I did that night. I knew for certain that she felt it too. She shifts her body and now she is wrapped in a ball with my arms around her and her head is nested nicely at my chest. The feeling that came with these actions are impossible to describe. I’ve never felt so alive and I honestly did believe that if I died right there, it would be alright with me. Suddenly it seemed as if time ceased to exist. Time was frozen with just me and her in perfect harmony. My mind detached itself from my body and it was as if my thoughts were locked away in corner deep inside my brain. Instantly I was smiling for no apparent reason and my heart was fully and truly content. Then as suddenly the feeling had come, it disappeared.

My brain kicks itself back to reality and there she is again repeating the same words again, “I’m sorry.” I then knew I was done. I’ve never been on board with the whole caring about someone issue, because I was always afraid about how it would turn out. It was then and there that I decided that I DID love her and she was worth it. I was going to take my chances. It hit me there and then that I knew that I could only be happy as long as I was able to satisfy her, and that is exactly what I was going to do. “Its ok.” I said calmly to her, and there it was again, the smile that can never cease to make me smile.

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