I don’t normally give sympathy to criminals, but now is the time to discuss the rising menace threating to contaminate all of society: homeless people.

How dare they loiter in the parking lots of restaurants, desperate to assemble a meal from waste discarded? Destroying the lovely atmosphere of consumption and obesity, homeless people are a real mood killer when you’re out on a date. If I see an unbathed mongrel wandering near the dumpsters, I immediately unfollow the restaurant on twitter, and proceed to give it zero out of five stars on Yelp. I then tell my date he’s cheap and proceed to shell out more money for my uber ride home than the grubby hobo could unearth in about five months. How selfish of the drifter, ruining my scenery. 

The way they clasp cups in their grimy, gloved hands is plain terrifying. Have you ever seen those giant, piercing eyes with tear tainted corners yearning for change? Absolutely frightening. Children run in fear from the crumpled souls limping around, while parents recoil and avert their gaze from the horror. Finding soda cans to recycle, homeless people are clearly a danger to everyone around them. There is no excuse for their ghastly actions. Parents must teach the youth of America to despise the homeless; it is the only way to protect democracy. How else would they know that it wasn’t guilt, but bile rising in their chest when they walked by a bum’s cup, refusing to drop even a cent?

Add to that the fact that they have horrible taste! Homelessness is a choice. Bums see bridges with shade and disease as preferable to buildings with air conditioning and sanitation, and that itself is a sin. They don’t have time to clean a bathroom and make a bed when they can just sleep on dirt and bathe once a year. The reason they’re starved, addicted to drugs, and/or in debt is because they’re just lazy and have to find things to occupy themselves with besides work. They think having a job is extremely overrated. Time to go beg for some half eaten fries, not time to put on a suit and tie.

The only thing homeless people are useful for is entertainment. Have you ever seen a good old-fashioned hobo fight? If you haven’t, you can YouTube it, or twitter it, or google it, or Facebook it; it’s everywhere really. Prime showbiz: dirty hair flying around in long soiled fame, slow movements due to malnutrition, palpable desperation to win the glorious scrap of pizza crust hilarious! I like to play the game, Who Collapses First: the one with the ribs showing through his cut up vest, or the one with only half a left ear? My bet is on Missing Ear. He seems vicious, gotta love it.

No wonder these pests are constantly tossed in jail. Loitering on a McDonald’s nice, cement patio is the highest crime. Why should we save room in the penitentiary for rapists and murderers, when we could fill every cell with bums? All of our taxed paid law enforcers should spend the majority of their time apprehending the loitering scum trying to feed themselves and hurting absolutely no one at all. I pay my taxes for this purpose specifically. No other threat is so deserving of officers’ precious time.

If the kind urban folk were more concerned with robberies, identity theft, racial violence, domestic violence, obesity, child pornography, pollution, or any of the other myriad problems more pressing and prominent than a man sleeping in a dumpster, than there would be less effort to eradicate hobos. Because of this, we should make homelessness the only offence against the law. Once everything else is legalized, we can focus all of our intrusive attentions on getting rid of the bums. This will solve our only real problem. No more gloomy eyes, no more dirt toes, no more gruff cup shakes, no more inhabited trash cans. Society can rejoice once again, now that our sidewalks won’t double as a home. America will return to greedy perfection.

Who is the real villain here? The hobos or the ones condemning them? Who cares. Next time drop a couple cents in the cup and worry about something that affects more than just your scenery. Don’t be a waste.