I sat down on the floor and stared at the wall. Tears were now flowing quickly out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I didn’t try to stop them or wipe them away. It didn’t matter now and I didn’t care. I breathed fast and hard, not trying to calm down. I didn’t want to be calm. I wanted to scream! I just couldn’t take this. My whole life was a mess. And I couldn’t fix it. I didn’t want to fix it. Its not even mine to fix? I didn’t cause any of this? Why should I have to suffer when these problems aren’t even mine? I shouldn’t have to deal with them? I shouldn’t even worry about them. But I can’t help it. Everyone’s going crazy, telling me that I should worry, that I have to worry. That these things are my fault and even though they don’t affect me, I have to deal with them, I have to solve them. What did I even do? Don’t I have enough to deal with? But everything’s always my fault right? I honestly wonder who you would blame if I wasn’t there. You’d have to find somebody, you couldn’t possibly blame…Yourself.
January 11, 2009