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Anesthesia

A common misconception of why people self-harm is that the person does it for attention. From someone who has come to peace with self-harm, I can clarify the main question. Why do people self-harm?

A simple answer, yet somewhat untrue, is that the person is doing it for attention. Asking for attention and a cry for help are vastly different. When adults tell teens that are hurting that their lives are more fortunate than others’, that doesn’t make people feel better. Every person to their own. Everyone is fighting their own battles with what seems like an eternity, without anyone to fight by their side. Sadness tends to be a mood, while depression is a state of mind.

A lot of people see cutting as a form of anesthesia, a way to numb the pain that they’re experiencing. Everyone has their own type of anesthesia. Some find it in having sex, doing drugs, smoking cigarettes, making music, etc. And others find it in making themselves bleed. It sounds cryptic, but bleeding, knowing that you’re alive and that what you’re going through isn’t a dream, is quite comforting. Other’s cut to die, because they don’t want to do it anymore. They figure it’s too hard. A quote from one of my favorite poets, “...but at night while the others slept, we kept walking the tightrope, it was practice and yeah, some of us fell…” (Shane Koyczan, To This Day). Life is indeed a tightrope that we try to balance on. Some of us have been practicing longer than others, yet they still tend to fall.

The strongest people I know are the people who have walked the tightrope, lost their balance, but got back up. Sometimes, when I’m alone and I talk to people who have hurt me before, it makes me feel worse. It’s self destructive, to be honest. However, I tend to give people more chances than they deserve. One of my best friends told me to “suck it up.” That made me feel the worst I’ve felt in a long time. I wanted so bad to numb the pain, to bring back my anesthesia. But if I want to get better, the first step is not to wobble on the tightrope, it’s to gain my balance.



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PotsnPans said...
Sept. 25, 2013 at 10:43 pm
Beautiful, this really helps people understand depression. Thank you very much, you put it into beautiful words. 
 
Ravencloud replied...
Sept. 29, 2013 at 4:23 pm
thank you very much! <3
 
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