How To Be a 21st Century American Teenager

August 18, 2013
By Anonymous

What You Need:
-At least 50 useless acquaintances whom you will each call your best friend.
-Weak parents who will obey your every command and never question you.
-The latest iPhone equipped with Instagram and a camera for selfies.
-The tightest, most transparent tank tops you can find, along with short shorts, thongs, and push up bras.
-Clownish makeup that you can convince yourself you look good in.

1. Laugh at everything your “friends” say as if you are a hyena, even if it isn’t funny.
2. Use profanity at least twice in every sentence, along with the words “like” and “cool,” with the otherwise vocabulary of a kindergartener, but in the context of what a stripper might say.
3. Make an Instagram account in which you post selfies from every possible angle.

Photos may include but are not limited to:

-A selfie with your tongue sticking out.

-A selfie with a peace sign, because teens are all about promoting world peace,

-Kissy face!


-A ton of pictures with you and your “friends” with captions such as “besties for
life!” or “hanging with the crew!” Say this even if you don’t like the other person in
the picture.

-Photos in which you are holding Red Solo Cups. It’s only logical.

In addition, pretend you are artistic by editing one of the above with one of Instagram’s built in lighting filters.

4. Do whatever your friends tell you to, all while claiming how important it is to “be yourself.”
5. By the way, “be yourself” means to dress and act exactly like everyone else all while keeping your original birth name. I mean, come on, we have to stay true to ourselves!
6. It’s cool to drink, do drugs, and hook up with people, but it’s weird to study and respect yourself.
7. About self-respect, don’t respect yourself. Convince yourself that you’re the hottest, sexiest b**** out there, even if you’re only twelve years old.

Do all this, and you will be the Average 21st Century American Teenager! If pulled off seemingly effortlessly, you may have the God-given talent of being cool! (Because being cool will get you a job one day, right?)

The author's comments:
My messed up generation inspired me to write this article. Hopefully, teens will start to realize that there is more to life than being "cool."

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This article has 2 comments.

on Aug. 31 2013 at 10:26 pm
I think this is a very clever article.

on Aug. 30 2013 at 10:02 pm
Omg when I read your article I seriously felt like I connected to you. I have the same opinion about the stupid teens today and I am so glad someone had the guts to say it!!! I am looking forward to reading more of your work in the future!!!


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