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Dear Mom

What do you think of when you think of beauty? What about perfection? Do you think of the sky, maybe? The clouds twist together like lovers, dancing around each other and spinning apart. They glow in the soft light of dawn, the time when the sun is just waking up. The sky lights up pink, softening into an orange before fading through the purple to its clear blue. At dusk when the loud, bright world winds down, the clouds deepen into purple. They remind you of easier days, before everything broke apart, shattering into a noisy city scape. Before obnoxious cars, driven by doubly obnoxious people. Before, when children were a blessing rather than a curse. They remind you that there is still beauty and perfection in this world of illusions.

When I think of beauty and perfection, I also think of strength and love. I think of you. I never thought there’d be this woman who could love, more than her own life, her children. My first experience with Mothers was not a good one. Honestly, I feel like I will never be able to think that I am accepted by anyone. There is, however, one exception. There is one, single, solitary person in the world who I feel like loves me. She is the most amazing person I never thought to want. I’d need nothing more than her and I know that. She’s become my best friend, and you must understand, I never expected this type of relationship to come between us. I used to despise any type of affection from her. I hated thinking that she knew me. I hid everything from her, knowing that nothing would hurt me worse than hurting her. Let’s be honest, now, I know it hurt her to think I didn’t love her. But that was never the case.

Even before I knew I could trust her with everything, I loved her. I felt accepted by her. I feel like that may be the reason I never told her anything in the beginning. I didn’t want her to run away from me. I didn’t want her to turn her back on me, finally realizing that I was scum of the earth, as I knew I was. Even though I will never be more than this broken pile of nothing, she loves me. Who would have guessed that I would find this acceptance in the person who I was most scared of letting in? She’s the one person I can’t run from, because I can’t leave my mom. What would I do if she didn’t accept me? Honestly, I’d find a way out. I’d have to. I wouldn’t be able to take that kind of rejection from two women who were supposed to love me more than anything.

I've learned not to be afraid of that anymore. I know she loves me and accepts me. Not because she has to, but because she’s found in her heart that she can.

So when I think of beauty and when I think of perfection, the woman who's given me everything is who comes to mind.

I love you, Mom.




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