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Inconsistencies

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Life always has the best things it can offer lined up at the very back. Good news? It will make us happy. Bad news? You have to get through everything in the line first.

Take a mountain climber for example. No one ever made it to the top without experiencing the bottom. When the climber reaches the top, he feels happy, blissful even, with his achievement. Meanwhile, at the other side of the earth, a man tried his best to gain a woman’s trust and is now jumping with a smile on his face because the girl had said yes when he proposed. They are those people who were patient and weren’t afraid to take every step and every challenge in the line.

I, on the other hand, was afraid. Yes, I tried to be patient. I tried to get through everything. But I was scared of the risk and decided to try another line. Only when I realized I should never have done it, it was too late. There was no going back. My whole life was about fear in living a life against the good teachings of people around me. I didn’t want to be selfish. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. But as much as I tried to live an unselfish and cruel life, I ended up hurting everyone I loved.

I was never one who would grasp an opportunity. I was a person who would sit on a corner and watch as someone else take it and see what happens. I was never one who would stand up and say what she really thinks. I was someone who would look a person in the eyes and say that they’re right even if it costs her happiness. I was never one who would be mature enough to handle things on her own. I was someone who would seek a person’s help and become dependent on them.

That’s how I lived the line – with fear, with hesitation, and with doubt.

It’s hard to change, yes. But I realized that nothing would happen if I don’t do anything. I have decided to change my ways. Push myself to live what I know is right even if it’s selfish, even if it hurts others, even if it’s risky.

It was hard. For me. And for the people who got used to me being “a puppet”. That’s how I thought of it. I have always lived by the rules. I’ve got strings. I tried standing up for myself, for what I want, for what I know I need, but it was hard for all of us to take. For the change to sink in. I have tried the change lots of times, but I’m still stuck. Sometimes, I want to forget about it, tell myself “Why bother?” but I know that this is the only way I would be able to take a step forward. My friends would ask me, “What happened to you?” and would get worried that I might be thinking of doing wrong things. My parents would also ask the same thing because it’s harder for them. I know it is. I wanted to take my words back but I know it’s too late, and I have to live by it. My words have led me to confusion. I was aware of the consequences that if I chose what I want I don’t know what will happen, but I do know I would be the biggest disappointment my parents could have. I have seen it happen.

When I had asked them that I wanted to shift to another program in College, for what I love most in the world, I thought it was okay. We’ve had talks, I had convinced them. Little did I know I had made my mother cry every night. Since I’m currently taking up Architecture, her seeing houses and buildings had made her cry. I know I have already let her down. I had tried returning back to my old self again - sitting in a corner and watching, dealing with life in a no-purpose manner. Her smile came back. She was proud and happy I had thrown out the change but honestly, I wasn’t. Every time I force myself to draw even if I have no skill. Every time I force myself to think a concept to draw even if I wanted to write a story instead of design a building. Every time I force myself to learn about Architecture even if I have no interest on however it was designed, only on the story behind it. I see nothing but failures. I wanted to be optimistic, but every time I try I could feel the weight of what I’m holding back. Since their decision has been planted on my mind for the last two years, I wasn’t able to answer their question. “What would become of your future if you insist on what you want?” I wanted to say I wanted to become a writer but what kind of work would that be? Like they said, you can write even if you don’t go to college for it. Until now, I am haunted by what would happen if I decide to shift or stay.

Maybe this is the first step. This is the first real challenge I am ever going to face and I want to keep changing. I want to improve myself and not live in the shadows. I may not be that optimistic about it but I’ll try my best to move forward because I know it is the only way I can live my life to the fullest and get to the end of the line. Even with the inconsistencies, there’s still hope that I would be able to live my dream. Everyone would just have to get used to the new me.

Everyone deserves a second chance, and for it to happen, we need to do something. There’s no switching or going back. We just have to live on.




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