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Growing Up

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Okay, so, I realize that I'm 15 now. I know that the choices I make now WILL affect my life tommorow. I know that.

But am I ready??

Since I turned 15, I really, REALLY started thinking about my life. What I wanted to do with myself. It's become pretty clear to me that I want to go into writing. Maybe something else as well. But writing for sure.

And then, I start thinking about all the people I've met, how many times my friends and family have helped me through things, even when I wasn't always there for them. Feels kinda depressing.

And, of course, the 'talk' I have with my mom every once in a while (not THEE talk, just a talk). Where, I'll ask her what she thinks of how I'm growing up. And she'll say "Stephanie, your growing up just fine. You were a pain when you were younger, but now you're getting more mature, and I don't always have to remind you to do the same stuff."

Which usually leaves me okay. I mean, I'm not the 15 year old I imagined myself when I was younger (a total babe, with a boyfriend, driving, training to be a nurse). But that's the thing. I feel that the more i try to PLAN who I want to be, the more things go differently. I wish I could talk to the seven year old me, and just say "It's okay, don't rush growing up. Someday you'll wish you were young again."

But duh, the seven year old me would just roll her eyes and go back to reading a big fat novel. But seriously, why is the fact that I'm older terrifying me? I love how my life has changed, so maybe I just fear the changes in myself.

When I think back to when I thought I'd be that perfect girl at seven, it's pretty funny. I'm nowhere near perfect. I dissapoint others. I stay up way too late, and I can't go a day without embarrassing myself. But the thing is, I'm completely fine with it. I think I've reached that point in my life where I'm just giving up self control, and I'll just let God figure out who I really am.

I'm still going to freak out every once in a while though, but why shouldn't I? In three, THREE, years, I'm going to be an ADULT. How scary is THAT?? In three years, I'll probably be studying in college back here in Missouri, trying to get a good job. Who knows.

One thing I know for sure.. through out all this haze of growing up.. I'll always have God. And that's all that matters. (:





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