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How To Be Human: An 8 Step Guide to Joining the Human Race
STEP ONE: BE BORN- By womb or by test-tube. Breathing is rather important to.
STEP TWO: HAVE A (BASIC) HUMAN BIOLOGICAL COMPOSITION- While humans vary by size, shape, and color, we tend to all have skin, hair, 2 arms, 2 legs, a brain, vital organs, etc. However, there are exceptions, many exceptions actually (I heard about a girl with glass skin once) so this rule can be bent.
STEP THREE: BE IMPERFECT- Physically, emotionally, spiritually and, mentally humans don’t have it all together. You can be really good in one area and suck in all others or you can just be average. But perfection cannot even be measured on a scale because as it’s been beat into our heads beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So no matter how good you are at ping-pong, someone else might be or will be better either now or a trillion years from today. There is always room for improvement.
STEP FOUR: BE (AT TIMES INAPPROPRIATE OR OTHERWISE) IRRATIONAL- We love things we shouldn’t. We buy a Ferrari to impress Jenny Jenkins, only to find out she’s a lesbian. We trust another country to keep their end of a peace treaty when you know they’ve broken others before but they swear they’ve changed (looking at you Germany). Sometimes humans are crazy. No matter how many psych classes you take in college you will never truly grasp the complexities of human nature. I think irrationality is the height of humanity. It should be embraced as a funny quirk and something that can be very dangerous.
STEP FIVE: MAKE CHOICES- From the smallest babe to the oldest apathetic adult, we all make choices. Even not making a choice is a choice in itself. We are endowed with free will so try to make the most of it. However, the trick is how to make the right choices.
STEP SIX: BE DIFFERENT- We all are equal but we are not all the same. Some of us are stupid, some smart, some of us have the natural ability to juggle cats without getting our faces ripped off. Even twins are different. We each have at least sixteen different personality types according to Carl Jung (I’m an idealist, find out what you are-Myer Briggs test!) that are laden with mental illnesses, hobbies, and pet peeves. These are all interchangeable. The best part is the possibilities are endless!
STEP SEVEN: GO THROUGH THE CYCLE OF LIFE- Time passes. It’s a natural fact and for specks of dust in the vast universe, we get around. For billions of years we have gained a foothold on planet Earth. However, we haven’t done this by doing it all ourselves. We do it by one-upsmanship. Back in cave man times when someone dies you learned a new way not to die and you pass that along. When an ancient civilization fell, the next one learned how not to control their people. We learn by the mistakes of others to make life better and we pass through different stages:
BABYDOM: “Waaaa Waahaaa!” It's so bright. What’s going on? One minute I’m safe and warm the next I’m being smack on my butt!
TODDLER YEARS: “Chase me! You can’t catch me!” You know every time I try and get a cookie those two gods get angry at me, I’d better stop.”
EARLY CHILDHOOD: There’s just something about Henry that drives me wild. I think I’ll go push him in the dirt
TEENDOM: “I HATE YOU!” Argh Mom never lets me take the car. I need it. Suzie’s not going to date me if I don’t have a sweet ride.
ADULTHOOD: “Yes sir, I’m sorry sir. I’ll have those reports in on your desk first thing in the morning.” I hope you shove them where the sun don’t shine.
OLD AGE: What exactly did I have
for breakfast? Bran or oatmeal? Doesn’t matter anyway. “Who wants to play Parcheesi!?”
STEP EIGHT: DIE- You have to. There is no getting around it and no negotiating. Most say it’s the pain of death that scares them for me in all honesty it’s not knowing what is after but that fact also makes death exciting, like a whole new frontier. It’s like being born again you have utterly no control. There are, however methods of accepting fate. You can give yourself over to a higher power. You can also choose to ignore it and pretend you are immortal. It is your choice but when the bell toll, all must dance the macabre.
TIPS FOR HAVING A GOOD HUMAN EXISTENCE
•LIKE AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. You should remain optimistic in the face of adversity. No one likes a Negative Nancy. Positive Paula gets all the free samples.
•FIND A PASSION. I strongly recommend this. We all need a reason to live because just living to be alive gets somewhat dull after awhile. It is not hard to find a passion. As my Aunt once said, find something you would do for free and do it until they pay you.
•BE RESPECTFUL AND TOLERANT. I cannot tell you how many people have died because they weren’t respectful. Do not just respect humans. You should respect and tolerate all things. Yes, even your toaster.
•MODERATION! MODERATION! MODERATION!- Please for the love of humanity don’t make a five pound bacon and Ice-cream sandwich or go on a mating spree that would put Charlie Sheen to shame. It will end badly. You just have to learn this for yourself when you wake up, hung over with a tattoo that says I heart Edward Cullen
WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT FREAK OUT- I know this whole human thing is craziness sometimes and you might wonder why the heck anyone would make us. Sometimes you want to beat your head against your pillow wondering why but I suggest just letting go and enjoy the moment
Have fun being Human!