What If

By , Whitehouse Station, NJ
"What if". Separately, these words are powerless, but together they can haunt a person night and day.

"What if" – a question that goes through the minds of every person, every day. Whenever something goes wrong people cannot help but ask themselves what if I did not do this, would something different happen? What if?

Life would be so much easier without these two words combined into such a destructive sentence. People would simply go on with their lives and not question the hundreds of possibilities that could have happened. But as many intelligent people in our world have said, “Everything happens for a reason.”

I am personally victimized by the power of what if. Whenever this question is overflowing my mind all I need to do is remember. Remember with even the worst turn of events, those events shape a person. Those events shaped me.

Nobody expects death to happen; nobody wants death to happen. But, whether people would like to believe it or not, it happens. Death came to my family and me when I was only seven years old and took both my grandparents within only a few months apart. My grandpa died of lung cancer after years of being a smoker and my grandma died four months later after a stroke and kidney problems. However, I was always told it was because grandpa could not get to heaven without her.

But what if they didn’t die?

Would I still tear up when I see old couples having dinner with each other or still get mad at any person who does not appreciate their loved ones? Still cry myself to sleep at night wishing and wishing my grandma was here to give me advice? Still constantly work hard to make them both proud and be thankful the wonderful people left in my life? Would I be the same girl?

My parents divorced that same year. To this day, even ten years later, nobody has told me or my sister why. I have grown not to care why they separated simply because just like any other teen age girl I asked myself, what if? What if they were still together?

My dad would not have remarried. I wouldn’t have an adorable half brother or a step brother. I would not have the pets I have, live in the same house as I do, or have the same friends. I wouldn’t be able to give sympathy to those with divorced parents and I may not even try to outshine my siblings as much as I do. I wouldn’t have as strong of a relationship with my mother and strive to make my father proud. I would not be me.

Recently, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. This part of my life is the part of my life I question the most. It affects my life the most. There is not a day a day that goes by where I do not ask myself, what if I did not have Crohn’s?

What if?

What if it never affected my field hockey? What if I didn’t have to go for medicine every ten weeks for the rest of my life or take some every morning? Or constantly wonder if it was going to worse or if I was ever going to need surgery? Would I still realize how lucky I am? Still be optimistic when the little bad things happen and still have my family to tell me how brave I am? Would I be the same girl?

"What if". Two words. One question. Simple as separates, but together, one of the most difficult concepts to ever grasp.





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