I could sit here for days and list names of famous professors and rich scientists that think they know what life is about. Or I could just tell you my own damn opinion about this dreadful thing called living. I could also waste my time telling you my sob life story, but no one ever listens when I say things. Like when I confess to my seven therapists that I still continue to self-harm, they don't listen. I mean, they do listen. But only for a short amount of time, simply for the fact that they're getting paid to here all of those depressing little stories from all those depressed little kids. Although I forced myself to tell all of those doctors a lot of personal things, I refused to ever admit to one thing. I never told anyone. Truth is, I'm scared. I'm terrified actually. Of what? Who the hell knows. I guess I'm afraid of life. See, most people are always worrying about where they'll end up in the future. They're concerned they won't make it to their dream job, or that they may end up like every other middle classed American. My case is a bit different. Every day I sit here and wonder how the hell I'm going to make it to tomorrow. I mean, I could use that time to think about all the good things I have in life, but instead I choose to look at the negative side of everything. I deserve all the pain I go through though, I really do. I spent fifteen years of my life keeping all of my emotions inside of me. Up until last year, no one had seen me shed a tear since the fourth grade. I put this act on as if I didn't have a care in the world for anyone or anything. Here's a big thanks to everyone that believed me. I think that's the reason I never had close friends my whole childhood. Apparently, I was the kid in school that made everyone laugh, smile, and just make them happy in general whenever I was around. I guess that was because I never really ever got involved with anyone. If I started getting close to someone, I'd leave. I'd just stop talking to them and completely push them away. I should've stayed that way. Once you start getting close to people, you get attached to them in a weird type of way. It's like, you get this assumption that they'll always be there. Sorry to spoil all of your future friendships, but people change and will usually always hurt you in the end. They'll make you seem like the bad person too, and they'll have the ability to make you feel so terrible. So don't question me on why I ever started becoming "close" with people. It's simply because I used to have faith, now it's all gone.
Story of the year.
July 18, 2011