A fake wears a mask to cover up their identity. They put a fassard up and hide. While they push away everyone and everything. I thought about this deeply standing in front of my glossy mirror. Jim my husband wants me to take on the role of playing a new character. This new character isn’t me; she’s the complete opposite to me. Wearing high heels and flouncing around in a floral dress. Is this a joke? And I’m not about to become a social butterfly either. It makes me reconsider our marriage. Maybe I was crazy to think any of this would have worked out. People have their positives and negatives, but changing a person to fit you is preposterous. He should know this; his mother was a firm believer in individuality. Maybe this was what made him go against it. Everything twists in my mind like a tornado. It’s just picking little bits of my life up and tossing and turning these things. Eventually things will be disposed of. A tear drips down the side of my cheek; it’s as cold as Jim’s presence when he walks in the door after work. Trying to think of the happy times when we were deeply in love is almost impossible. A cold feeling washes over me like sea spray. Shivering as though my lips are purple and my body is deathly pale. Jim glances at me not saying a word. I could see I was a disappointment to him, it was written all over his bitter face. As sour as a lemon. Heading up stairs he shook his guilt off, as if it was simply dust. Leaving was something I had wanted to do in the past. But where would I go? I didn’t work, he supported me. A cold breeze flew in from the open window and it reminded me of how cruel and cold the outside world really was. Walking into the kitchen I felt as though the floor would soon slip away from my feet and I’d fall into a deep dark hole. My heart was hurting and my pride and dignity was wounded. Maybe I wanted to fall into that hole and enter another world, I let my imagination wonder. Clicking the kettle put me at ease as if I was lighting a cigarette. I poured myself a cup of tea hoping to drain away some of the sorrow in the pit of my stomach. When Jim went to work the next morning his negative energy still hung around the house. Where ever I went he came with me, reminding me that I was a disappointment. He haunted me and he wasn’t even dead. Slowly losing confidence I began to develop a low self esteem. My brightly coloured nail polish, faded into a dark grey, my sophisticated tied back hair now hung over my face like a cobweb. I felt as old and grey as I looked. That day Jim came home unexpectedly, he looked grumpier than ever. Out of the seven dwarfs he was grumpy. There was no alternative. Looking into his pale blue eyes, I could tell he was insecure. His life had broken been broken up and I had to be the one to put all the puzzle pieces back together, being careful not to step on any egg shells in the process. Delicately taking his hands in mine I stood there just holding them. As I looked further into his eyes I began to understand more. He needed someone, not to judge or criticise, but to support and encourage. Jim only was disappointed in the fact that I had been distant. I forgot the most important thing, which was marriage isn’t about letting everyone fight their own battles but to help each other and fight battles together. As I took Jim in my arms I knew I was helping him fight half of his battles.
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February 12, 2011