Some Joke

January 23, 2011
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“Nice kick man! Feel the breeze on that miss?” “Quit laying on the ground, get up and pretend that you’re actually worth something.” “You suck at soccer!” “Why don’t you go do some homework, since that’s the only thing you’ll ever be good at.”

As I lay there in shame, I close my eyes. I don’t want to see it. As I sit there in shame, I cover my ears. I don’t want to hear it. As I sit there in shame, I pretend I’m somewhere else. I don’t want to feel it, anymore. Like I do, everyday. Ever since day one of elementary school, and still today, in high school.

“No, I will not go on a date with you! I can’t believe you would ever think I would go on a date with you.” “You fool!” “You’re so weird!” “Do you even own a
mirror?” “I suggest you go into the bathroom and wipe that ugly off your face.”

Sometimes, I blame myself. I’ve never been normal. Is it the way I talk? The things I say? Is it the way I dress? The way I appear? Why am I not the same? What makes them better than me? I need to know. They tell me I’m different and call me an outcast, but maybe it’s just my own fault.

“Oh look, here he comes, that dork!” “Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!” “Quick! Everybody spread out, so that way, it looks like we have no room at our lunch table” “We wouldn’t want him sitting here.” “If he sat here, it would totally ruin our popular reputation forever.”

They speak as if I can’t hear them. But in reality, they don’t care if I hear them or not. They would say it either way. They do say it either way, and it hurts. It hurts worse than I ever dare to show, and keeping it all inside makes the pain grow even stronger. And the truth is, I’m not so sure I can handle it any longer.

“Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!” “You’re sitting all alone.” “Nobody cares about you!” “Do you even have any friends?” “Why are you here?” “Leave!” “Just go away!” “Nobody
wants you here!”

If I could change one thing about myself, I probably couldn’t choose. There are too many things different about me to choose from. I have never been normal, and I just don’t know how to be normal. I will never be normal and I will never fit in. So what’s the point? If I could change one thing about myself, it’d be where I am living right now, at this moment. And right now, I am living in fear. I am afraid and I am scared. I can’t go to school without being made a mockery of; I can’t leave the house without a cruel
remark directed my way. And I don’t want to live like this any longer. I’m going to go away, take their advice, and leave. I can’t stay at this school any longer. This school is torturing me. To this school, all I am is some joke. And I cannot continue to be a joke any longer. So I am just going to leave… like they told me to.

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