Nuclear News

May 6, 2010
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President Obama and President Dmitri A. Medvedev of Russia have agreed to reduce both countries extraneous nuclear arsenals by one-third; which is great news for our planet- at least for the philanthropies’. During the Cold War, both countries expanded their nuclear arsenals to flagrant numbers- they were so high, that it appeared we were preparing for an invasion of Pluto, a direct message to aliens on Pluto that they should get the hell out-of-there. Unfortunately their plans were not to invade Pluto, but to point nukes at each other and use them as a defense system: an eye-for-a eye system, you destroy me, I destroy you. The system is the unfortunate result of science, the direct result of incredibly intelligent scientist devoting their gift for death. We envy Albert Einstein for his brain power, his contributions to modern physics- oh yeah, and he drew up the recipe for our cursed future. I sure hope historians in hundreds of years look back on him like the vicious, atomic monster he really was on earth. Now every leader in the world would sell their souls’ to get their hands on these darn missiles- that will surely destroy my kids, if not me. Personally I think Ancient Rome is to blame; if Emperor Justinian was half the man I learned about in Global, he would have never let a group of undeveloped, savage beasts take over his empire. If Justinian had just been a better military leader we would all be grateful Romans today! I would have no fear of the middle-eastern man sitting across from me on the train, sporting a Turban on his head with a huge backpack next to him; our parents would have never dealt with the fear of being blown to pieces during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Most importantly: this meeting with President Obama and President Dmitri A. Medvedev would have never happened; there would be no nuclear conflict, theoretically. We would all sport fashionable togas twenty-four-seven, and democracy wouldn’t make Afghanistan cringe.

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