How the US Government Works

February 28, 2010
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Pay attention. This is a once in a lifetime event, you are about to have the entire US government explained to from the not-so-experienced procrastinating slightly crazy mind of me.

Well first of all there is that president guy and congress and the senate. All of which help in making laws. But laws are first written down in some unsuspecting janitor's closet on top of a mop bucket. This meaningless piece of paper is then put on top of the pile of other meaningless papers in the sleepy guy's office. Said sleepy guy then opens the window and allows all of those meaningless papers to be blown about the building until one of the proposed laws happens to land in the hands of someone of slight importance who then summons an army of supporters by mixing various ingredients together in the secret cauldron. That also happens to be in a janitor's closet.

Finally after said army of minions is done torturing congress to pass the bill, a dangerous game of 4-way-law-making-ping-pong is played between congress the president the senate and the supreme court. After which the loser is sacrificed to the gods and imprisoned for eternity. Or until his lunch break is over.

All of this has occurred while Al Gore has been kidnapping congressmen and senators and brainwashing them with his movie. After which he forces each of them to write, "Florida was a lie" 1,000 times or until it is burned into their brain, forever causing the occasional need to recycle. After all of this the president calls a timeout and goes over the instant replay finally realizing that the "law" was really just a lunch order put in the wrong pile of meaningless papers. So that guy in the janitor's closet is fired and forever doomed to work at a fast food restaurant where the most complicated thing he has to write is, "Double quarter pounder with pickles and mayo." The continuous game of ping-pong is stopped and all four players realize that they have actual work to do. So, they send some lousy intern to do it for them, and continue.

Meanwhile some presidential hopefuls are beginning their campaign and in the spirit of healthy fair competition, are cheating. Just before the campaign begins the candidates all visit a plastic surgeon in order to make sure they never stop smiling. Ever. Al Gore meanwhile declares war against the oil companies, conspiracy theorists are running amok claiming that the moon is really an alien spaceship and Star-Wars was really not science fiction but a documentary, Neptune is then declared not a planet and goes to hang with Pluto (Or does Pluto not deserve to be capitalized anymore?), the asteroid belt goes on strike, Saturn gets lost because stupid google maps messed up again, the Sun catches a cold, and Jupiter among all this madness commits suicide.

So since those weird planet guys are the cause of all this nonsense seeing as they made Pluto not a planet in the first place it seems only fitting that the few planets left should get a raise. Well now as you'd expect planets have very big paychecks, so this raise was actually huge and caused a massive stock market plunge and the extinction of all animals that save you money on car insurance. So far this great charade of madness and other assorted madness has all been caused by a janitor's closet. Well that assumption was, wrong. Dead wrong. It was all caused by, absolutely nothing. Yup absolutely nothing this is just how the government works. Crazy, I know.

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