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Outsider

By , Natick, MA
If you look at me, just a glance, I look normal. An average girl with blue jeans and a teenage heart. Big sweatshirts to cover a self-conscious body. Hair that looks plastered into a thin layer, voluminous as paper.
Open me up, and I am an outsider.
I don’t think like you. I don’t dream like you. Heck, I barely see what you see or understand what you understand. We hear different. I am so completely unlike you, I consider myself an alien in my own race. If you knew me, you’d think that too.
It’s hard just to open up and show people that. So I hide myself under a mask of the status quo. To you I’m just one of the billions of people. To me I am the only one out of the human network.
It’s hard to live a good life with all this internal conflict that I have. One moment you think you’re normal, laughing along with friends at a movie or at that local diner. The next, you’re home alone with nothing but your mind and you realize that you’d put on a fake body and gone out for the night. When I’m home I see what I really am.
I bet you’re thinking I’m suicidal. Man, if you could see me laughing. No, I’m not suicidal. You can discard gothic and emo also. If only you knew.
The truth is… I’m schizophrenic.
Yeah, I know. I just dropped a major bomb. One that can’t be cleaned up. Now if you look at me, that’s all you see. That label. My malady is a label I will never be rid of. So I decide to hide that label, bury it in other fine print of life.
Yeah, I hear voices. I know they’re not God or an angel or whatever. For me its not that bad. Maybe because I haven’t told anyone, maybe it's because I’ve been keeping it inside me for a real long time. It’s a curse. One that I’ll only be rid of once I die. Maybe not even then. Lovely thing to look forward to, right?
What really kills me is when I’m in big crowds. When I see the average person leading an average life. Knowing that I will never have that because of the thing in my skull not working like it should. You don’t know how many times I’ve considered doing drugs or other horrible things to myself just to dull the voices, to make them shut up for only a moment. I’ve actually lost count of the times I asked myself if I still wanted to live.
The things they tell me, those voices, they haunt me. It takes every bit of my inner strength to ignore them, pretend I’m not hearing the monstrous things they’re telling me about my life, my friends, and everything else.
All this is a permanent reminder that I am an outsider, never meant for a normal life. I am broken, beyond repair. Impossible to fix. Forever.




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uncaring-unknowing-unthinking said...
Mar. 30, 2010 at 8:23 pm:
You don’t know how many times I’ve considered doing drugs or other horrible things to myself just to dull the voices.. in this you are not alone i know of these voices all to well they haunt and tease and just plain annoy you. so your not the strange one humanity is those who are insane are the sanist people for they know to get out of  the world great job you emotions are easily read in this
 
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swimstar28This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 9:01 pm:
I admire your honesty! You write with your heart, and I feel as though this article shows the real you. And I also believe that you are more than an outsider. God has given you an opportunity to rise above your disease and achieve greatness through your words, you can make a difference. You can change the status quo. You are a part of a humanity of people who are ready and willing to open their arms and let you in, for who you are.
 
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humanity_vs._reason said...
Feb. 20, 2010 at 2:17 pm:
Anonymous, I want you to take a deep breath, and then look in the mirror. What do you see? Most likely, you see two eyes, two ears, a nose, and a mouth. Now, open up a magazine or look at that person walking down the street. Look at their face. What do you see? Most likely, you once again see two eyes, two ears, a nose, and a mouth. You are not some monster that has to be secluded. Ok, you may be schizophrenic. Yet, you are living with something that most people can not even imagine dealing with... (more »)
 
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Destiny said...
Feb. 18, 2010 at 12:09 am:
I know what you say about being an outsider, begin in a big crowd, but not belong there. Hearing the voice who tell everything wrong in your life. I like the others dont know what schizophrenic means, but I know what you mean. I myself went became an outsider, made my friends' parent disprove of me. Became a loner, and started dressing in dark clothing, maybe cutted a few times to get rid of the pain of life. Now people call me goth or emo. But they dont really know me. I stopped cutting I ... (more »)
 
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nooxygen said...
Feb. 16, 2010 at 8:58 pm:
wow! this was good! i don't know what schizophrenic is. but i can relate to everthing that you wrote about being an outsider and hearing voices. i was dealing with everything that you just wrote right now. Dealt with it during my time of depression. Ever since when I was 8. 6 and a half years I had to fight the voices of suicidal thoughts and turning emo. Now, that I am in 10th grade And over the pain and the hurt of depression. I realized that the reason why I had felt that way, ... (more »)
 
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wordnerd54 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 16, 2010 at 6:38 pm:
Oh my God, that was awesome. Honestly, I'm usually pretty hard to please- that was really, really good. I don't know if it means anything, but the thing is, I didn't really see you as only a schizophrenic when I was done reading. I just thought about how well written your story was. I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this; it must be so scary. I myself am a diabetic, so I know what you mean when you say that that's all people see. I hate the pity. Not that m... (more »)
 
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