It can be contagious. It can be a killer. It can be a friend. It can be an addiction. It can be something you can't control. I tried giving her advice, but it controlled her and made her ignore me, replying with a negative comment. Silence took over the phone and her next words were only worse. I've been able to deal with her negativity for a while, but now I'm starting to think. It's almost as if she enjoys sitting in her dark hole, sinking deeper and deeper into the ground. Does she want attention? Does she need company? I don't really know. Some of her words sound suicidal, but I can't make myself believe that she will ever do it. Depression is evil; the devil of emotions. She's going through some hard times right now. I feel out of place giving her advice on something I don't fully understand. I'm not in her position, so I don't know what she's feeling. But I do know that she's capable of being happy. I'm just tired. Tired of listening to her never-ending depressing thoughts and opinions. Tired of her sadness sitting on my shoulders. Tired of feeling helpless, unable to fix her. I tell her that she can only fix herself, I can't do everything for her. But she won't listen. She never really listens. Her words scare me sometimes, making me worry more and more. She brings me down with her, turning my good mood into a bad mood. That's not the friendship I want, and I've contemplated whether I want to continue it or not. But I can't leave her. I can't leave her alone with her mind. She has no conscience. I am her conscience, and without me, things will only go downhill. I can't let that happen. I care about her too much to just give up on her. We do have good times when she's actually happier. I don't want to lose that. She doesn't want my help, but she quietly cries out to me. I've always answered her, but I'm trying to show her that I can't always do everything for her. She needs to learn how to take care of herself because I won't always be here to make her feel better. I feel stuck. Somehow she finds ways to make a negative comment. She'll bring up how great my life is, how much talent I have, how great my parents are compared to hers, how skinny or outgoing I am. She has the worst self-esteem. I can try to boost it, anyone can. But it won't work. She'll deny it and sink deeper into her dark hole. I love her, but I'm exhausted. I will not let myself catch on to her sorrow and lonliness. But I will not let myself give up on her. There's no way that I can. I hate you, depression. Go sink into your own dark abyss and leave my friend alone.
February 12, 2010