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Depression

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It can be contagious. It can be a killer. It can be a friend. It can be an addiction. It can be something you can't control. I tried giving her advice, but it controlled her and made her ignore me, replying with a negative comment. Silence took over the phone and her next words were only worse. I've been able to deal with her negativity for a while, but now I'm starting to think. It's almost as if she enjoys sitting in her dark hole, sinking deeper and deeper into the ground. Does she want attention? Does she need company? I don't really know. Some of her words sound suicidal, but I can't make myself believe that she will ever do it. Depression is evil; the devil of emotions. She's going through some hard times right now. I feel out of place giving her advice on something I don't fully understand. I'm not in her position, so I don't know what she's feeling. But I do know that she's capable of being happy. I'm just tired. Tired of listening to her never-ending depressing thoughts and opinions. Tired of her sadness sitting on my shoulders. Tired of feeling helpless, unable to fix her. I tell her that she can only fix herself, I can't do everything for her. But she won't listen. She never really listens. Her words scare me sometimes, making me worry more and more. She brings me down with her, turning my good mood into a bad mood. That's not the friendship I want, and I've contemplated whether I want to continue it or not. But I can't leave her. I can't leave her alone with her mind. She has no conscience. I am her conscience, and without me, things will only go downhill. I can't let that happen. I care about her too much to just give up on her. We do have good times when she's actually happier. I don't want to lose that. She doesn't want my help, but she quietly cries out to me. I've always answered her, but I'm trying to show her that I can't always do everything for her. She needs to learn how to take care of herself because I won't always be here to make her feel better. I feel stuck. Somehow she finds ways to make a negative comment. She'll bring up how great my life is, how much talent I have, how great my parents are compared to hers, how skinny or outgoing I am. She has the worst self-esteem. I can try to boost it, anyone can. But it won't work. She'll deny it and sink deeper into her dark hole. I love her, but I'm exhausted. I will not let myself catch on to her sorrow and lonliness. But I will not let myself give up on her. There's no way that I can. I hate you, depression. Go sink into your own dark abyss and leave my friend alone.



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This article has 18 comments. Post your own!

PayPay said...
Jun. 13, 2010 at 5:58 pm:
I can say that i have been in that place. so i know how she feels and i know how you feel. i mean all we can do is pray and ask God to help us out.
 
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SeaStorm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 14, 2010 at 11:33 am:
I'm sorry. I skimmed. That huge chunk of text scared me. But have you ever heard of paragraphs? They were invented for a reason.
However, what I did read was good! Keep writing!
 
jennam8 replied...
Mar. 17, 2010 at 5:24 pm :
Thank you..
 
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green-eyed-angle said...
Feb. 28, 2010 at 2:06 pm:
My friend suffers from depresion. It will get better or worse but you have to stick by there side
 
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peace_love_beauty said...
Feb. 19, 2010 at 9:41 am:
I totally understand what you are going through. It's really tough sometimes to help someone going through depression. My boyfriend is terribly depressed, and acts similar to your friend. I don't, can't, fully understand what he is going through, and I try to help, but I just can't. It's great to know that someone else is going through and understands what I am going through. Best of luck to you and your friend, all you can do is be there for her. :)
 
jennam8 replied...
Feb. 19, 2010 at 3:08 pm :
Thank you :) I love making connections with people. I also hope that your boyfriend gets better. I'm sure you're the best thing by his side, so don't leave it :)
 
awesome_poet replied...
Feb. 19, 2010 at 8:39 pm :
she is the best thing by my side :)...i am thankful for her...even when times get bad...she is there for me
 
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I am a very depresed person, Some people have good reson some have bad ressons, you do what you need to do eather way you cant CHANGE your friend. i like your first sentence it totally draged me into your writing. i just wish you the best of luck! =)
 
jennam8 replied...
Feb. 19, 2010 at 3:06 pm :
Thank you so much :) I wish you more luck. I hope you can move away from cutting, and I hope the things that make you cut get better. I have hope for you because even though I can't change others, you can change yourself for the better :)
 
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Angel*music*lover This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 18, 2010 at 9:20 am:
I know how this must make you feel. I have suffered severe depression issues for the past four years. I'd been cutting for about that long too. I started seeing a therapist, and soon she told me that I didn't have to go anymore. But just because she said I'm okay doesn't mean that I don't still think about the cutting and stuff. My best friend has the same issues I had, and she recently told me that she wanted to commit suicide. I told her mom, and she got yelled at... P... (more »)
 
jennam8 replied...
Feb. 18, 2010 at 3:15 pm :
Thank you so much. I love your feedback. I'm so glad that you've somewhat overcame your depression, and I'm glad I was able to make a connection with you. Your friendship and the way you help your friend has inspired me, so thank you again. It's nice to see how someone I don't even know can give me such great words :) I will definitely talk to you if I need help. Thank you :) -Jenna
 
Destiny said...
Feb. 17, 2010 at 10:55 pm:
I love it. It is a great peice. Beside of being true. Depresstion is a person who you dont want to friends with.
 
jennam8 replied...
Feb. 18, 2010 at 3:12 pm :
Thank you. You're right
 
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CheyCheyLLama said...
Feb. 16, 2010 at 8:50 am:
This piece is really good. I love how you speak of it as it could be an object instead of a sickness.
 
jennam8 replied...
Feb. 16, 2010 at 3:06 pm :
Thank you very much :) I like getting feedback
 
Pooja replied...
Feb. 17, 2010 at 5:38 am :
i understand how hard it must be on you. But sometimes only time can decide. your article really explains how much you care for her and want her to be happy and dependent. So i think taking her away from her worries like outdoor activities can help her to distract her mind...
 
jennam8 replied...
Feb. 17, 2010 at 3:11 pm :
Thank you. You're right. She doesn't usually have much to do, especially on the weekends, so her mind tends to wander. Good advice
 
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