Snuggies ? Satan

January 7, 2010
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We've all seen them, the tantalizing and delicious walkable blankets. It's called the Snuggie. These are those soft blankets that have large holes for one's arms to fit through, so that it could be used as a blanket and you could do everyday tasks in them. For only $19.99 it can be yours. Who would turn that offer down? You save money on heating, and you can even get the stylish leopard print versions. With all these positives, what could be wrong? Well, everything, to be exact.


The first major flaw is that you can walk in a Snuggie. The truth is, you cannot. The advertisements make the Snuggie look like it has a back and you can wear it, but that is a deceptive and immoral lie. The Snuggie does not wrap around you, and leaves your back exposed. That's why the commercial only shows videos of the front. Do you want around with your butt hanging out? Wouldn't that get cold?


The second problem is the Snuggie is made of thin material. This thin, Chinese made material is most likely made in China with slave labour. The material is so thin that it does not keep its occupant comfortably warm. This combined the lack of the backside makes the Snuggie miserably fail its main objective, to keep you warm.


Third, the Snuggie is too long. Under my thorough testing and analysis, I have noticed that the Snuggie drags across the ground. The average height of a male, according to Wikipedia, is 5' 10.5”. I am half an inch taller, and it still drags. The Snuggie picks up dirt, and there is a possibility of it dragging across animal excrement.


The Snuggie loses its softness after ten washes, according to the leading consumer review magazine, Consumer Reports. Clumps will start falling off, making the Snuggie uncomfortable to wear. Do you like itching? If so, buy a Snuggie. The now unsoftened Snuggie will make you want to itch in places you didn't even know you have.


I was let down in buying the Snuggie. I feel emotionally unstable, and hurt and betrayed. I hope the manufacturers of the Snuggie are enjoying their dirty money. This was a miracle invention I was truly looking forward to. My days were originally happy and filled with joy, but due to the lies of ASM, the Snuggie manufacturer, my days are now filled with sorrow and disappointment. It would have been so easy for ASM to make a good product, but they have let down America. They have let down my heart.





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wwwimalivedotorg said...
Jul. 13, 2016 at 12:14 am
I randomly stumbled upon this essay whilst looking for a snuggie with a pentagram (long story), and with out any doubt, I can say that I found solid gold on this very webpage. Thank you, MrCool, There is no doubt that the name is accurate.
 
kylosia said...
Jan. 18, 2010 at 3:55 am
Wow! I could not agree more on this! I too, am a Snuggie owner, and you are so right. The article was funny too!
 
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