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The Radical Changes of a 17th Year Old.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
If you asked me this question about a month ago, in a clear, sure and straight voice I would’ve answered: “I am going to be a singer and an actress; And no, I am not wasting my time in college for by the time I get out I’ll be about 23 and far too old for the show-business.”
Yes, I would've seriously answered that, and I don’t know what the saddest part is; the fact that I actually did believe that or the fact that I was so incredibly sure about my utopian future.
I assume you are probably wondering what's the reason that I am sending this essay. I can’t really put down in words the way I feel about this, but I know I have changed. The bubbly, live-in-the-moment seventeen year old that I was has changed. I've always had both fear and passion trapped inside a hundred-and-five pounds of body, both burning me from the core of my bones to the tips of my chewed-down fingernails.
These two emotions have always resided inside of me, but the way I manage them, the way they make me feel, have changed.
Fear, not so long ago, presented itself hand to hand with insecurities. Insecurities not only physical, but emotional. Never wanting to think about the future, because that implied growing up, that meant responsibilities. I believed that thinking about the future meant trying for something, and trying of course meant failing, so therefore I never tried. Passion. Passion has always been my impulse, my courage; My way to escape what I thought were the biggest of problems. Before this radical change that has consumed me, passion meant the idea of playing my guitar in my bedroom. It meant singing in the shower at the top of my lungs. Passion meant spending hours typing in my computer writing novels, poems or love songs, but of course always hiding it from everyone, so well hidden that it almost became absent, invisible. I have never gone trough a day without this passion in my body; the difference is that for the old me, passion meant nothing more than emotions and dreams, and thank God, I am finally waking up.
Today my fears are different. Fear, for one part, keeps reminding me of my neglected past. Fear, managing sometimes to overpower me, shouting me to give up. I had always considered myself a free spirited soul, but I seemed to have taken this idea way too out of my head. I was never the one to care about my grades, my homeworks or my classworks. I always managed to do an average job for the sake of my parents, because I was well aware of the money spent on me for a high education. How wrong was I. Today, this fear has changed. This fear is not shouting me to give up, but it's shouting that time is ticking by way too fast. This fear is reminding me every waking second that I have to stop wasting time stuck the past and start moving forward. I cannot change my past but I can surely change today, right now.
Passion, on the other side, keeps encouraging me, it's waking me up. This passion has erupted from my soul, manifesting itself the moment I decided to go to college, because for the first time in my life, I am doing things for myself, I am doing something real, something reachable. I know it’s not going to be served in a golden platter but I am willing to work as hard as I can in order to fulfill my goal. I am doing things not only to get by in a mediocre way, but I'm aiming to get as close to perfect as possible, and I know I can do this because for the first time I am certain about something; I never wanted anything so much. I know it's long shot, and that’s part of my fear, but I don’t care if I fail, because it's better than never trying and it encourages me to improve and try again.
I can’t understand this change, but I like it. I went from being insecure to being the girl who believes in herself even when nobody else does. The hesitant girl with a long untamed hair and thick glasses seems like a completely different person now, and I won't let this new person slip away. Don’t get me wrong, my old self got to me where I am today, and the only thing that remains from her is this passionate fire that's still burning, but is now aimed towards creating my successful future.
Change has moved me in a way nobody and nothing has moved me before and that’s the beauty of life. Change keeps me guessing. Tomorrow is always a new day, a new opportunity, a new chance to make things right, to make a great job or to fall flat in my face and learn how to pick myself up. I have no idea of what tomorrow is going to bring. All I can be sure of is that the sun is going to come up, and that if I work hard enough, the people I love and my strength are going to keep me company for yet another sunset.