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And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But, losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel.
The journey lasted eight months. Sometimes I traveled alone, sometimes, there were others who took the wheel -- and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn’t me who arrived, it wasn't me at all.
And once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be or lose that person completely.
Because, sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been. And remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are.
I find myself wondering, who am I?
Who is Carey?
She has the looks of a laidback girl, the voice of a redneck, and the heart of a scene kid.
She writes music, she thinks the world doesn’t understand her. She has different views and opinions than others do.
She’s lost, trying to find herself.
She’s been every kind of person that there is out there. A partier, a lover, a fighter, a redneck. She’s always played the part of another person, because she’s desperately in need of trying to find herself along the way.
Right now, she believes she’s just her. She can’t describe herself to you. If you were to ask someone who knew her, they’d say she was the sweetest person ever. She’s always there when you need her. She hates drama. She’s gorgeous.
But Carey has a hard time really believing all of that.
Carey thinks the worst of herself.
She thinks she’s too selfish, too prideful, too damaged to do any good.
Her hearts been ripped out, stomped all over, crushed. There is no repairing it. She found something once that made her happy. But then came 8 months of torture when it left.
It has a name.
Its name is Austin.
We will call him the monster.
That’s what it is, a monster.
I don’t get how the monster took my heart so easy. I look at the monster and see nothing more than a boy who is a little twisted.
A boy who is nothing more than ordinary. Nothing quite special about the way he looks. If I’d seen him before I would have just looked the other way. See that’s the thing about ordinary people. Sometimes you have to look inside to really know what they are about. Know how they work.
I gave him the chance, gave him the opportunity. I didn’t view him in the same way that I do now. He wasn’t the monster 8 months ago, but he sure is now. The monster felt me out, figured out my fears and weaknesses. Knew exactly what would set me off. What could tear me to pieces and rip me apart. I asked the monster not to leave me, asked him pleaded with him to stay. But it wasn’t me that had the monsters heart, no it wasn’t me at all. Needless to say there were others that had his heart. Others that could do him better than I could. Others to take my place and not even make the monster take a second look back. Others to satisfy his time. Others that he cared about more than me. Eight months slowly drag along. No messages, no texts, no phone calls from the monster. The monster no longer needed me, although unfortunately I couldn’t say the same about him. I needed the monster, more than anything. I needed the monster like my heart needed a beat. Nothing was the same after the monster came along. I changed. I was no longer the Carey everyone knew and loved. I became the girl that wanted to die, just to ease the pain. The pain I was going through was like being slowly drug across a bed of razor blades. That’s the kind of pain that I’d take death a thousand times over just to escape it. But of course god doesn’t love me that much, so he likes to see me suffer. Go figure.
Everywhere I looked, I saw the monster. Flashbacks of memories that wouldn’t dare fade away. Every day I am living in my own personal misery, and there is nothing that can stop me from burning. So as I said, after the journey ended before those eight months. The person that arrived wasn’t me, it wasn’t me at all.
It was the new person created out of someone else’s image.
The person you could look at from the inside out that resembled so much of the monster.
The monster lives inside me, whether I like it or not.
And he won’t ever leave.
The monster took my heart, and I’ll never get it back.