Why does hate have to control the world? Sometimes I wish the some people would stop and smell the roses. Just because someone might be have a bad day does not mean that some people have to take everything out on them. Everyone is allowed to have a bad day once in a while. Sometimes I just want to be alone, to think. You know? I get rid of all my anger doing stuff that hurts me so I know that there is always pain that is worse out there then what I receive. Being yourself is okay unless you are at home because in some homes there is no peace and quiet or there is so much peace and quiet you want to suffocate. How I wish I could be myself. I want to talk to someone about how I feel but there is know one to talk to. How do you act in a place where everything you do is wrong. Don’t hold your head to high, don’t talk that way, do this, do that, don’t look that way. There is not even a hello when I get home no there is only do this. I don’t even get asked how was your day today. No I have to be perfect. If I was a doll who did nothing and said nothing than I would be the perfect child. I thought all I needed was a friend but no what I need is a family balance. I mean I miss my mom terrible but if I say it I would be yelled at, so why bother. Right? Sometimes I think I should just end it all then I would not have to be perfect. So what if you have feelings, that does not matter. Even being silent has its punishment. What I would not give to have a father a mother and a…a family. Yeah like that would ever happen. People just joke themselves with all this love crap. I mean what is the love of a home when the walls are built with hate? Who cares if you want to talk or be respected even a little? Your feelings don’t matter. All I want is to be able to talk about anything. No. I think that some people’s life might not have been perfect but why ruin others? Prayer I have thought about praying. I hate myself. No matter what happens it is never her fault no it is always some one else fault. I have never heard her say sorry. Not once. Keep you grades up. Never fail at anything. I just what to be approved of once. I’m sorry I learn things in school. I’m sorry that everything I do is apparently against you. I try my hardest to be the “good” child that you want. But I can’t do it any more I given up. Just ending it now would make this all better. Maybe when I move things will be better. I know it won’t. Nothing is ever good enough. I can’t count the times I have crying myself to sleep, thought about suicide, running away, or hurting myself. I want to be the “perfect” person. Some one they would except. But I cant do it any more. I’m not a circus animal. The only thing I can thing about that has kept me grounded is that this is the only family I have no more in this entire world. But everyday I get pushed farther farther away. Soon something is going to happen I just know it. The day is not even over and I know something else is going to happen. I want to talk to something about what happens here but I can’t because I would probably be dead the next day with the shouts and the screams. I try to make them proud but I just can’t do it any more. I can not talk to anyone all the time. There is no one I can trust here. I thank god for every breath I have but sometimes I wish I was up there in that peaceful paradise. Please take me now. I hate myself. But even though the road I’m on is broken, twisted, and crumbled what I need to do is look up and around, to see the lavished roses and apple trees lining the path of broken dreams. Because even with the hate that surrounds me like a cloud of bees, I know deep in my heart I would never change it for anything. Love might be tough while confusing but to be alone is a never ending battle.
The path I walk
July 17, 2009