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That's Exactly Where I Lost It
I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.
I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.
And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.
"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" Relient K
It was like a scene out of a horror movie. I was in shock. I had a wonderful, relaxing breakfast/Christmas party with my Sunday school class, and a mildly stressful but generally good church service. My phone was on silent. I never knew she called. I never knew she was in pain. I left the house in selfishness. I wanted to get away and have fun. Not deal with my mom throwing up, me pouring it down the toilet and rinsing out the basin so it could happen again. I told her to call her nurse then walked out the door, thankful to be gone. So, I check my phone and see I missed two calls. Hailey and my mom. I figured she called to see where I was because my ride was staying for Christmas Eve service practice. She didn't. She called to say she was going into the hospital again. AGAIN. She called to ask me to unlock the door so the ambulance crew would be able to get in. I hugged Tonya and tried to clear my head. My pastor's wife rushed me home. I walked in and ran to my mom. She was so pale, I couldn't believe it was her. She looked so frail and sick it hurt me to look. Then she asked me to call the ambulance. I dialed those three numbers I prayed I would never dial. "911, What's your emergency?"
A fresh set of tears overwhelmed me. I answered all her questions. She told me to get my mom dressed and keep her as warm as possible and to get her meds together. It shook me to dress my own mother. It really takes you back to dress your own parent. It made me feel so old. So, alone. I had to try and be strong. It was so hard. I could barely keep it together. My sister was sobbing in the dining room. Inside, I kept on trying to switch to autopilot but it wasn't working. I felt so vulnerable and emotional. I didn't want to be alone in the house again. Do you know what I mean when I say, I don't want to be alone? Trish was still waiting in the van for me and my sister to take us out to eat. I ran out to tell her she could leave or come in while we waited for the ambulance. She told me to calm down, she would wait and not to worry about the time. The next thing I know the ambulance is here and all these seemingly huge men (or did they really seem huge because I felt so small) clomped through our house. I don't really remember all of how they got my mom out to the living room on the stretcher because I called my dad because Maggie was hyperventilating. They asked for her meds and name and other stuff and I gave those to them through a cloud of tears. My mom called for me and I came but I was so scared, so scared to touch her or hug her. I don't know why. But I couldn't and I hurt her. I know it. She needed comforting. But I did too. I needed my mommy. I needed her to hold me, wipe away my tears, eliminate my fears, tell my everything was gonna be ok. Everything isn't gonna be ok.