I was diagnosed with a painful disability at age nine and have spent the subsequent years of my life pursuing every treatment possible in regards to pain, but the reality of running out of options has been looming ever closer, especially recently. Like a storm cloud, I can practically see it over the horizon, and I feel it creeping up behind me; a constant presence that I cannot escape from. 

I don’t remember which medical practitioner first taught me about radical acceptance, but I remember how angry the idea made me at the time, how incredulous it seemed. When you are thirteen and hurting you don’t want to accept it. Making peace with the fact that you are going to be in pain for the rest of your life feels like some unimaginable last resort. Though the thought left a bitter taste in my mouth, it never quite left the back of my mind. I think that even back then, a part of me knew that it was never going to go away. 

That thought lingered for years, with plenty of skepticism and frustration along with it. Why do we have to accept such unpleasant truths? How can we merely be content with things we cannot change, instead of fighting to make change? Doing such felt to me like rolling over and dying, it felt like giving up and setting the pain into stone. It has been a very tough pill to swallow. 

I have spent my entire life malcontent, fuming about the unfair hand I’ve been dealt. Where does that get me? I cannot change the outcome either way, so why have I wasted so much of my time being angry? 

I believe that I must begin trying to accept it now. One thought perturbs me, though - what would it be like to simply exist in pain without my indignation as a shield? It’s unfathomable, in some ways, to let go of the rage that has been serving as protection against my reality. but refusing to leave it behind is going to be so much more painful in the end. I have to forgive my body and accept the terms and conditions that have been dealt with it. So, here’s to radical acceptance, because I have to forgive if I want to live.