I’m there before I leave

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If I could go anywhere and never come back, where would I go? If I found a place to silence all the thoughts in my head, where would it be? It is very seldom that we find a place in this world that is meant for only us. This place will not judge us; it will not break us down. This place enables us to feel, to really truly feel, even if that be only a matter of seconds. At this place we can take down all the walls that are beginning to shatter and expose the raw pain we all hold inside. The biggest fear I hold within myself is to be vulnerable, knowing that something or someone holds enough to break me. I try very hard to stay strong, to hold up all my walls, but sometimes I get tired and I need my place.

A gnarled, wise oak tree shows me that it has supported the weight of others, and contorted rocks tell stories of the heavy minds they have held. The rustle of leaves in the fall, the warmth of the summer sun, and the chill of the bitter winter winds; all create a hushed stillness. I can see the traffic, but I can’t hear the cars, and when the sun begins to set the city lights start to glow. All this makes it easy to think; easy to strip away everything that has ever left a mark. If my place had eyes it would see me completely and utterly unshielded. Without a doubt it would see what I try to hide, it would see what I think about the most, and it would see how lost we can sometimes become in life. “So we talked about mom’s and dad's, About family pasts, just getting to know where we came from, Our hearts were on display, For all to see…”

When I can just get in your car and go; I am able create a kind of freeness. It tells me to go anywhere I want, and it helps me forget the weight of the world on my shoulders. Everything becomes simple. The light turns red, I stop. The traffic slows, so do I. The route to my destination is of repetition. Eventually all the gas stations, shopping centers, retirement homes, and community centers become obsolete in the speed around me. When I make that one last turn onto that one lane street, and I curve around that one last bend; I know there is no more chaotic city life to be found. The dust in the parking lot is accompanied by the cool damp air of a small brook. I follow the worn path full of footprints it has earlier lead. I follow it with certainty, around the trees and up the hill. When I finally reach the top; the wise oak, twisted rocks, the rustle of leaves, the summer sun, and the bitter winds all seem to recognize a familiar face.

I went to this place a lot when everything in my life seemed out of place. I would sit under that oak tree and figure out reasons why it was my fault. I would try to figure out how everything would be if I hadn’t made the mistakes I did. I would replay events in my mind and try to understand why they happened. I would let my mind wonder, and at the end of every happy, sad, insignificant journey I would be staring at my Dad. All I could ask was why. I don’t know who I was asking, but I do know that all I desperately wanted was an answer, because the one I gave myself was not good enough. When you’re given time to just think you realize thing about yourself that you never wanted to accept and things that you never gave effort enough to find.

It becomes ironic the things we find sanity in. A place as simple as a worn down hilltop at Peña Adobe Park, can mean so much to one person and so little to another. The things we find in these places are completely ours. I wish I could better explain the silence my place holds, the power it has to stop the world from spinning; then again maybe it is better I not explain, but instead ask you to relate. If you could go anywhere and never come back, where would you go? If you found a place to silence all the thoughts in your head, where would it be?





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bethanibubbles said...
Jun. 11, 2009 at 8:07 pm
You have chosen a good topic. I love this! I have a few places where I block everything out. My high school, the trail by my house, and when I go camping. These places mean the world to me. We all need silence once in awhile. So think before you criticize.
 
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