Why would I choose?

May 21, 2017
By , Random, AK

“So, since when have you been gay?”

“Um... forever.”

I hate this conversation. I hate narrow-minded homophobes who think I chose the life I’m living. I hate the people who think I’m saying that I’m bi because I crave attention or I need to be diverse. They think I chose this. Trust me, I didn’t choose anything.

And here’s a message to you, the people who question, who hate, who judge:

Why would I choose to hide in the closet for years, terrified of what other will think about me? Why would I choose to be a target for bullying and discrimination? Why would I choose to be four times more likely to take my own life than a heterosexual teen?

I remember one time in the car my family and I were listening to an audiobook. This kid was just coming out to be gay and this book was making a huge deal out of it. It was a totally dramatic scene. And I hated it. That entire car ride I sat with my forehead pressed to the window, my heart pounding. I had to clench my hands to keep them from shaking. This was before I came out. I’d only really admitted it to myself about a month before. I was so scared they’d find out I was bi and would make a huge deal out of it, like the characters in the book. Once we got to school I leapt out of the car while it was still practically moving and dashed inside. I had to go inside the bathroom and shut myself in a stall. I cried for five minutes and I spent another ten trying to pull myself together. When I unclenched my hands, fingernails marks had torn skin away from my palm and tiny bits of blood were beading there, like small rubies. I was late for class, and when I sat down my hands were still shaking and my heart was still pounding.

All this from a scene in an audiobook.

Why would I choose that?

You guys made it so hard for me to accept who I was. Once I realized I was bi, I didn’t sleep for five weeks. Once I realized I crush on one of my best friends (who was hetero) I didn’t sleep for another month. I was haunted with nightmares for years.  Once I decided to come out I didn’t sleep until I had actually come out and even then I still didn’t sleep for another month.
Even now I still have nightmares sometimes.

So no, I didn’t choose to be this way. But I have been this way my whole life. So stop asking. Thanks.

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