I am bisexual. There. I’ve written it down. For the last few months, those words have been swirling around in my head, haunting my dreams and my thoughts. But I have not once told a soul, written it down, or even whispered it to myself.
I am crushed by the burden of this secret. I don’t want to tell anyone, but at the same time, I want to jump up and down and shout it where everyone can hear. I need to get it out there. It’s terrifying me. I’m terrified of myself.
I know there’s nothing wrong with it, with me. But that’s what they all say, isn’t it? But as soon as you tell someone, they’ll look at you with that look like, who the heck are you? They don’t understand. They start thinking about your sexuality in situations when their mind might have previously wandered down that path. You all of a sudden become, that gay kid. I’ve seen it happen. I know how it works.
And I’m not even gay. I can picture people’s faces as I try to explain that I’m attracted to both boys and girls. The confusion play across their eyes, disgust showing through an upturned corner of the mouth.
I realized I was bi about five months ago, but I stopped denying it only two months ago. And it was only a few weeks ago that I finally got over my boy crush and realized I really am in love with one of my girl best friends. I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep since this realization.
I’m scared. I’m scared of coming out. I’m scared of admitting who I am. Right now my hand is shaking and my heart is beating faster than normal. I’m even scared to type the words.
I’m bisexual. I’m bisexual. I’m bisexual.