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Sorry, My Pun Gayme Isn’t Too Strong : A Satire On Human Rights

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Let's get one thing straight, not everyone in the world is. There’s a study that shows that people are born with their sexual orientation and it was proved 100% true, but I don’t know if I really believe that. Some might say that these people who are born like that are liars, disgraces of the human race, rapists, or even brainwashed. Honestly, I think ‘queer’ is the better term to group these earthlings. A definition of queer (for those of you who don’t actually know what that word means, like me), a person is queer if they own a flannel, is male but has a great sense of style, if they have "double the chance to have a date on Saturday night", or if they really love Caitlyn Jenner and Laverne Cox. We all know some sort of queery; aren't they just the best...or the worst. I mean, I'm not homophobic, biphobic, or transphobic; I have a friend who's asexual so I'm like a million percent part of the LGBlahblahbalh community.
   

I mean like yea I don't really believe that people can be attracted to more than one gender, and I don't think that there's a difference between sex and gender (you’re born what god made you!), but I'm a hundred percent supportive of them, no doubt. But if I can just be a little self contradicting for a second, it’s unnatural. Like, I think *looks around to see if anyone's in earshot* gay people, can't actually be attracted to the same gender. Maybe they're attracted to the aesthetic of people of the same gender but not to the same genitalia. It's completely un-American and unnatural. As Americans we reject unnatural things. For example there is no such thing as an American who wears sunglasses, uses a Smartphone, or uses a blow drier.  Wait…um… moving on.
   

Okay, don't tell my friends that I said this, but if we, straight cisgendered people, hang out with *whipers* queer people won't we eventually become like them. I don't want to be queer! They have awful lives with all their rainbows and support for each other, is terrifying! Oh no, I feel myself slowly becoming a woman. *hears a rumble* oh, I was just hungry. Like I said before I totally support people being gay and all that stuff but I just don't want to become one of THEM. I mean there’s nothing wrong of being a member of the TGBL (is that right?) community, but I don’t want to be one of them. I was raised in a home where the bible was always right. I mean, what’s not to trust in an a thousand year old book that was written by an invisible man that became loosely translated into a modern language...
   

But, if we let people of the same gender get married who knows what could come next! People could start marrying their horses or their pet dogs. Marrying another human being who has a lot in common with you including their sex, is exactly like marrying an animal who definitely has legal standing and has the ability to sign a marriage contract. Um, can you give me a second? I need to think about what I just said.
   

Relationships are perfect the way they are now too. Marriage has been the same for thousands of years. Woman still have no rights in today's world, that's exactly why the Queen of England is the least important person in the British world. People of different races cannot marry each other because if Drake wasn't born how would he know when that hotline blings? And let's not forget about the number one law that no one breaks. Divorce is still illegal, everywhere.
   

Like really, how DARE you think that you can get married to the person you love the most in the world because you are the same gender. How in any way is that okay?!?! The sanctity of marriage will be ruined forever. Including Kim Kardashian's 72 day marriage that was totally NOT for the money. Oh and let us not forget Britney Spears' 55 hour wedding that would be completely unrespected because two people who have wanted to get married for years want to spend the rest of their lives together.
   

Now, don't even get me started on those bisexuals, pansexuals, and polysexuals. Oh god. These people think that they're attracted to multiple genders or that "gender doesn't matter". Ugh it's awful they love people for their personalities and physical appearance is just a side factor? Oh god save these people's cursed souls. These people will change the whole foundation of our society. We would never be able to adapt to these new social constructs. All humans are conservatives of society! Never have we ever adjusted our society to things like cars, short life spans, or toaster ovens.
   

Let’s just ignore all human emotions and base everything on what our past generations have told us to do. Let’s make women property, make blacks slaves, put gays in mental hospitals, and burn female adulterers for being witches. We can all agree that that was the best era for humans. All of these people who are into the girls-like-girls, boys-like-boys, boys can dress like girls, and girls can dress like boys stuff are just straight up weird (or is it queer up weird for them?). It’s different and there is no good reason for them to have any rights; they’re basically not even humans.




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