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Satirical Essay on Gay Rights

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Fellow Americans, we have come across the biggest issue since blacks were given rights. Gay rights. Could you think of anything more un-American? Who in their right minds would give gays actual human rights? They aren’t human. There’s nothing human about what they do. It’s barbaric and disgusting. I understand an immediate execution of all these people would be a long and tiring process, but not giving them rights is a nice, easy start.

“What about their God-given rights?” you say? What rights? God wouldn’t give rights to the homos, not the God I know and trust. Not the God that died on the cross* to allow straight, white men the right to vote and own firearms.

I heard once of this huge restaurant chain that donated money to a foundation against gay marriage.* I ate there every day after I heard this.* It seemed too good to be true when I heard that this foundation also is one of the foundations that beat gays up outside of bars.* Let me just take this moment to say that I could use the sign that I hold up at feminist rallies where they talk about women being raped for when I see gays suing for getting beat up. I would like to stand outside of that courthouse and hold up my sign that says “You asked for it.” And they did. Homosexuality is a crime and they should be punished for it. I have never personally taken part in beating up a gay, but it seems like something that would really get my blood pumping.

One day I went to church with my cousin and her family. I thought the service was a bit boring, but then the fun started with a play put on by some of the more dedicated members of the church. There was a demon and a w**** and a gay. The gay was a teacher and he was spreading his homosexual disease among his students, so the school dismissed him and the devil inside him and saved the school!*

Gays shouldn’t be allowed to participate in our communities. Did you know some of them even go to our churches? OUR CHURCHES! A sacred place where we come to wish them rid of the demons of lust that live inside them. They should burst into flames right when they walk through the doors, but why don’t they? I guess God pities us for having them in our church by not making a scene in front of the small children.

Speaking of children, gay children exist! They have obviously been poisoned by the homosexual teachings of their sinner parents. These children are victims of being born to the wrong people and should be helped to get rid of their homosexuality. But until these children are cured, they shouldn’t be allowed around other children because they could contract the gay.

I think that while we’re getting rid of gays’ rights we should take the opportunity to get rid of the rights of blacks and Mexicans and Jews too. We should take away the so-called-human rights of every single person who isn’t a straight, white, male. They don’t deserve it. After all, straight, white men are the superior species. Let’s go back to a simpler time where women were property and gays where sent to mental hospitals to be cured; a time where blacks where slaves and any woman adulterer was a witch and burned at the stake. It was a better time, and a time when things made sense. All of this girls-like-girls and boys-like-boys and boys dressing like girls and girls getting penises attached to their bodies is nonsense. It’s confusing and different and shouldn’t be allowed in this pure country.

*I messed up this information on purpose, I’m not really and ignorant atheist.
*Chick-fil-A
*not true
*not confirmed
*true story



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