To My Dearest Up and Coming Hoochie Mamas

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We live in a modern world; a world of thousands of resources and inspiration galore. With these resources available to us, there is no excuse for you not to look and act your best. You are all beautiful young women, and as long as you remember to never look your age, wear more makeup than a drag queen, and minimalize your “learning experiences” in school, you’re guaranteed to have the best time of you life, all while enjoying the perks of junior high!
If anyone comes up to you and says anything along the lines of “you look just as pretty without makeup on,” feel free to drop some knowledge on these unintelligent souls. Junior high is tough, and the only way to ever make it through it to cake on your foundation, fry the absolute snot out of your hair, and travel in packs. Your parents work long and hard all day long, because they know that buying you that $30 tube of mascara really WILL make a difference! You’ll be the hottest girl in pre-algebra by the end of the week. It’s a doggy-dog world out there, so “staying true to yourself” and “being unique” are really just some loose guidelines you should throw away at the door (along with last seasons yoga pants).
There was a time when “natural beauty” and wearing “minimal makeup” was fashionable. However, we don’t live in the 15th century and it’s about time your faces show it too. Women on average will spend $9,500 in their lifetime on makeup alone, so why not start charging up your parents’ cards now? Buy everything available to you. Even if you don’t know what it is, it will most likely help you achieve that ultimate state of sexiness every 11 year old is going for.
The new generations of Prostitots are counting on you, girls! Layering on three, maybe four layers of makeup in the morning is something every well-respected tween should be doing in order to inspire the youngens to start practicing with a curling iron now rather than later. You’re role models for ever toddler who has ever slapped on a tiara and said “Damnit, Mom. Where is my glitter body spray?” and you need to live up to that. Show them that in a few years, grades and schoolwork won’t matter. It’s all about who’s skyping who on a Wednesday night, and who bought the new OPI nail polish collection.
If you’re still wondering how you can blossom into a stylish, gorgeous 7th grader, there are simple guidelines to help you along the way. Aside from wearing as much makeup as humanly possible, you should never wear your hair in its natural state ever again. Take unusually long showers. If you family complains, simply explain that InStyle just released a new in-shower hair treatment, and they’ll be sure to understand. Using hot irons to singe your scalp will make you that much hotter (ssss) and the boys will start rating you as a 7 on the 1-10 scale, rather than a 6. But true hoochie mamas know that that 11-year-old sexiness comes from within. Don’t bother reading, or doing anything else that might extend your vocabulary. Girls who can use big words are dweebs, and will spend the next few years of their life in college, or some place super gross like that. A simple “haha like what?” should spice up all of your sentences just fine.
Girls, you have a big task ahead of you. Never cave into the pressure of fresh faces, healthy hair, or intellect. It makes older generations sad to see girls your age thinking for themselves and “embracing their natural beauty” Just know that you’re making us older kids proud every time you glitz up your eyelids, burn off a split end or two, and forget the alphabet. You’re on your way, hoochie mamas, keep up the good work!





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