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Holding Myself High

It was a crisp Monday morning, the grass lined with frost and my breath whipping by me visibly as I rushed to school. I mentally prepare myself for onslaught of bullying. It sounds funny in my mouth to say, only little kids were bullied on the playground. High schoolers have more of a social status over one another. I was at the bottom.

Moving to a new town to begin my freshman year was not helpful, either. Even now being in my junior year, the harassment continues. It had risen from being called fat or something along the lines of that to being shoved, tripped, threatened and called a d-ke at least once a day. Even before coming out as being a lesbian, students in my grade saw my weaknesses and attacked from the beginning. I had always wondered the same thing- why were kids so cruel? Didn't they understand that the way they treated others was pushing them to the brink of suicide?
Throughout my high school career- and prior- I had been battling chronic depression. When I moved from my old town, I hoped that the bullying would stop. It never has. The general population of students in my high school was separated into very distinct cliques. All of whom belonged hated one another. And from freshman year onward, it felt like they all hated me too, just for who I was.
That Monday, I went home in tears because I had found an anonymous note suggesting I should kill myself now to stop the spread of my "gayness." The intolerance sickened me and I finally came to the decision to do something about it. I would never keep my head down while I was ridiculed again. Returning to school the next day with a feeling of strength, renewal and pride, I walked with my head held high passed the students ho gave me the daily dirty looks and scoffs. A boy smirked as I walked by.
"Heya, come back, nasty d-ke!"
Enough was enough. I turned around with the ounce of self-respect I had and glared at him.
"You have no idea what words like that do to somebody, do you? People like you disgust me."
I walked away with a huge grin on my face, for his was reddened with embarrassment from being shown up.
I was shaking, my palms were sweaty and I was sure my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I had never really stood up for myself but it was time for a change. If I didn't advocate myself, no one else was going to. I was determined to destroy the vicious circle that had become my life for years. Every now and then I still get verbally harassed, but not to the point it was. The dirty looks continue, but I just smile back.
With months passed since the incident (a victory in my eyes) I no longer resent myself for who I am. I hold myself high because I deserve it. No one should ever feel for a moment they aren't important enough to stand up for themselves. No one is unlovable. YOU are worth it. It is another lesson I had learned from my girlfriend, who is still teaching me to this day how to love myself and how to hold myself high.



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