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Two Separate Worlds

By , Christiana, TN
Irony. The key word that fits everything together. It's on your side for awhile and then the odds are against you. This is how the word is played at a disadvantage.

My parents had always told me "you can tell us anything. Please, tell us anything that's on your mind. Don't try to hide anything from us or we don't know." That's exactly what I followed.

I remember I wanted to talk to my parents about something. It was my sexuality. It's been so long for me to hide this inner-ness of almost another me, but I felt at some point I had to let it out. And so I did. Labor Day, few years back.

My dad was the first to know. It was very awkward when I explained. I had to go around what I meant to say directly. It drove me crazy, so I just summed it up as "I like girls and guys".

A big silence hindered both of us for saying anything. So I had to break it up with "and yeah that's true." He started asking me questions that were like about what makes me see a woman attractive/makes me see a man attractive. I sorta answered them, but very vaguely.

Few days later, I told my mom. She thought I "bandwagon" with the popular crowd. I told her that I don't try to follow the crowd and I'm not doing it because its cool. Everything seemed to be okay for awhile.

It wasn't until I had few fights at school. When my mom went to the school, they told her how it came about. And yes, as typical (and common to happen), people knocking down on me for being bi. Her look was as if cluelessness struck her, but I knew already what that means.

Later on that week, my mom was very infuriated at me. She yelled "That isn't acceptable in MY HOUSE, you Understand!". In the moment, I had to pretend to side with her. Deep down, I felt this inner me was stabbed.

And so, I didn't tell her or my dad anything. He doesn't have a high tempered reaction but I know he'd say something about it.

A year passes by, and everything seems okay since I didn't say anything.

I was really happy this one time, since I was going out with someone. He really liked me and I liked him. We have some common interests and well, it's pretty obvious after that. So I decide to tell my dad. He doesn't say anything and lets it go. I assume the year has really changed, and their minds have changed also. Terror comes when I tell my mom.

She had the same high tempered attitude as the year before. This time though, it looked like 10x worse. It was as if I had done something that's crucially wrong. My dad was in the room, but he couldn't say anything yet.

The moment though, I explode back was when she mentioned the "bandwagon" again. That sparked me and all three of us had a long argument. In her eyes, all I see was resentment and disgrace brought upon me. Even more, it showed disappointment and sickness.

Her defense was based on religion and what the bible says. She asked me what was created. I gave her the Bible's words. I was asked what the percentages are. 60 % into girls and 40 % into guys.

"That 60 better turn into 100!"

There was so much to say but then my dad had to stop her. He regurgitated the same "men/woman attraction" talk to me just like before. He also asked me, what in my own perspective is "bisexual". I don't know. There's not a sophisticated technical meaning that clings with it. Either way, having to hear the piercing words of hate come to me was torturous.

"If your mind had a key hole with the key attached, I would rotate it and break the key off permanently!!!"

This exact phrase took me down.

My parents wanted me to break up with my bf. And so I did the next day. I did with saying some really bad things I regret saying. It was a force that came upon me since I could take hold of myself from the argument. Because of that, he never talked to me again.

This guilt (that I supposedly "need" to feel) is weighed down by them. Me being bisexual is the worst possible damage their son can do to the world. And what for? He's taking control and has his own life.

Then at school, I'm a completely different person. They all know me, know who I like, and it doesn't bother them. School is like being in another world, where I can feel comfortable being myself.

At home, it's pretend. If I mention anything about who I like (guys) then who knows what happens next.

They seem to know exactly what my future looks like, when they know maybe a third of it. If I get married to a man, then the reality exists.

As of my current being, I still have avoided talking to them about it and about who I go out with. Doesn't matter if it's a guy or girl, I'll have to keep my mouth shut.

My friends don't mind any of that at all. So if I have any problems (relationship wise) I can tell them about it.

One tip of advice my friends told me that stood out was telling my parents sometime when I am an adult. I guess that would be the right thing to do.

I'm okay and can handle things, but when labor day comes around, I look back. Back at the beginning and what followed through with it. It fills me with the unloyalty and distrust I have towards them when this comes up. I'm young, it might "be a phase". But whether or not it is, I am happy with myself and I AM NOT ASHAMED AT ALL.



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Ellie_Bera said...
Jul. 30 at 5:33 pm
Awesome :) best thoughts from my part !
 
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