Over the years, the once common practice of corporal punishment has been ousted in the western world. With this seemingly humanitarian advent, the beating heart of society (no pun intended) has effectively been removed. Corporal punishment cultivated the education and advancement of man in a way that no other form of encouragement could. Without the ridged structure that corporal punishment provides to otherwise lost souls, America has lost its leading edge in world affairs.

Dale Carnage once said "the only way to make a person do anything is to simply make them genuinely want to do it." It is thereby logical to utilize the cheapest and most efficient incentive, the threat and administration of pain. In this Orwellian era of cowards and communists, some individuals point to "scientific studies" and "rational thought" that tells them corporal punishment can lead to a life of domestic crime and brain trauma. These scholastic fictionalists fail to see the larger picture. Mankind has thrived from ancient times using these techniques. Or do they think that our primitive forefathers won out to every other spices to become dominate with positive reinforcement? The name of the game is pain, and it remains relevant even in these modern times. Einstein was beaten as a child and he came out just FINE.

Corporal punishment, not only effective as encouragement, is pleasurable for the purveyor. In the time of the eleven dollar movie and the skyrocketing cable fare, god has blessed man with a free source of entertainment that endures all economic conditions. Often times, opponents such as children or spouses will act up at times of heartache, distress, disappointment, or insecurity. Some respond to the pressure of these indignant pests by drinking, smoking, binge eating, depression, or a myriad of other unhealthy repercussions (not that these are necessarily bad things in moderation). In addition to quieting the party responsible for these health issues, corporal punishment revives the victim, whose stress is instantly eased from the first lashing.

Not only is corporal punishment right, it’s legal too. According to a certain recently released memo, "pain and suffering is best understood as a single concept, not distinct concepts as pain as distinguished from suffering". This memo released for review at a federal level and signed off on by the president, continues to state that as they are not committed simultaneously, pain or suffering are valid forms of punishment. If it’s good enough for the oval office, it’s good enough for you. So next time you have the urge to sooth your mind, body, and soul, don’t turn to reading or education, everyone knows the liberal elite invented words. In fact when used in quantities, words can disorient and confuse (conditions, might I add, easily treated with a little bit of corporal punishment). I honestly hope this is the last essay you ever read, I know it’s the only one you'll need to. Don’t turn to the films or spas either. We were all born with our god given extremities. Use them or move to France.

I hope by now you feel utterly belittled and patronized. And you should. The points I've presented are common place and obvious. It’s time that these traditional values be used in every American home. Now go out and be a citizen of the world. Copy this article and send it to your school board president, your congressman, your governor. They will one-day thank you and you will one day be thought of as a hero, a champion of civil rights and humanity. Don’t wait, the time is now. And remember, if anyone objects to your views, a little well placed encouragement is almost always enough to persuade them.