Survival Guide for Emerging Females of the Transgender Sort, or SGEFTS (a Satire) | Teen Ink

Survival Guide for Emerging Females of the Transgender Sort, or SGEFTS (a Satire)

November 7, 2018
By CreepyEmi SILVER, Lawrenceville, Georgia
CreepyEmi SILVER, Lawrenceville, Georgia
7 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Talent is a pursued interest. In other words, anything that you're willing to practice, you can do."
-Bob Ross


Introduction: So You Want to Be a Girl

So, you want to be a girl. Firstly, congratulations from the transgender community for coming to this life-changing conclusion. This community is comprised of 1.4 million openly identifying adults in the USA since 2016 according to a study by the Williams Institute, and who knows how many more unfortunately closeted teenagers who were not included in said study. Sorting through your emotions when they have been muddled by parental and media-based indoctrination into your birth-assigned gender is not an easy feat, and for that you are applauded. Secondly, deepest condolences from the transgender community for the sorrow you will likely face in the days following this realization. In the same year, the rate of attempted suicide among transgender people in this country sat at a staggering 41% according to the Indian Journal of Psychological Medicine. Your awareness of the disconnect between your confused mind and your testosterone-plagued body is likely more acute now than ever before, which will soon, if it has not already, lead to a great deal of emotional distress. Thankfully, you now at least know the cause of your suffering.

Pretend that you had two pills. For the sake of specificity, imagine that one is red, and the other is a sandy beige that brings you back to your springtime vacation spent on the beaches of the Carolinas. The red pill, upon ingestion, immediately and painlessly grants you your ideal body, sexy bits and all. Meanwhile, the beige pill simply eliminates the overwhelmingly painful desire for said body that keeps you up at night and brings misery to your every waking moment. Which pill would you pick? Think about your answer for a moment before continuing. Now realize that, regardless of your choice, neither pill exists. Your only options are to live with crippling anxiety and depression for the rest of your life, or live with slightly less crippling anxiety and depression by subjecting yourself to physically and mentally strenuous exercises and medical treatments until someone decides to murder you in the bathroom of a subway station.

“But SGEFTS,” you are probably crying aloud as you read this, “while the second option is otherwise more appealing than the first, I would rather not be murdered in the bathroom of a subway station. How do I have the best of both of these mediocre worlds?” Well, sit down and buckle up, because this guide puts the “pro strat” in “prostrate yourself before a cruel and unforgiving world.” Within these pages you will discover valuable advice for forwarding your slow and uncertain transition into womanhood, convincing your friends and family that your choice of gender is not the result of a mental illness and/or fetish, and hiding your shame from a society that hawkishly preys upon your personal weaknesses. Follow these golden rules, and you will surely make a fine, well-functioning, rarely suicidal young woman.


Rule 1: Try Harder

The first thing that you will likely hear towards the beginning of your journey and should expect to hear frequently from that point onwards is these two words: try harder. As with all cases, transgender or otherwise, if you want your ideal body, you had better be prepared to work for it. Take note of what you can and cannot change about yourself. Are your shoulders too broad? That is one of many misfortunes you will discover that the genetic lottery has dealt you, not to mention those pesky XY chromosomes. Bone structure is a fact of life, and you will simply have to compensate for it as much as possible with your already limited clothing options while always remaining self-conscious about it. Do you have a bit of a belly? While the estrogen supplements you take during hormone therapy will help minutely in redistributing your body fat to more appealing areas, you are much better off simply having as little fat as possible. Any chub whatsoever is a crack in your armor that can be easily exploited by the enemy, who sits perched ever-present upon your shoulder, ready to peck your eyes out if you so much as blink. Remember, self-loathing is the fastest path to self-improvement. Exercise and diet your heart out, more and more every day until your heart bursts from your chest and sickeningly flops onto the ground, beating ever faster like the pounding of a thousand drums until it realizes the fruitlessness of its efforts and pitifully expires.

As stated earlier, you will likely encounter this phrase not just at the beginning, but through the majority of your journey. If you have not already gotten in shape, you will be told to try harder. If you have not already begun an arduous and humiliating training regimen for feminizing your voice, you will be told to try harder. If you have not already endured the lengthy, overly complicated process of being prescribed hormones, which has been carefully designed to put all power over your happiness and well-being in the hands of old men with outdated medical degrees who think you should be euthanized, you will be told to try harder. If, despite every effort you could possibly make to present as a female, a fellow trans woman who is likely hyper-aware of any hint of masculinity is able to call you out, you will be told to try harder. It is best that you try to develop a very thick hide early on, although this may prove difficult due to the skin-thinning effects of hormone therapy.


Rule 2: You Are Doing it Wrong

It is time to introduce you to the entity who dictates every facet of your transition: anyone and everyone around you who has any opinion whatsoever of how you should and should not look and act as a trans woman. They can be your parents, your relatives, your so-called “friends,” TERFs (which, despite what you may be told, actually stands for “True Executors of the Right to be Female”), or simple street hecklers who think that sweater dress makes you look like a peasant farmer suffering from the plague. These people will constantly bombard you with their personal thoughts and feelings on you, whether you want them or not. If your gender is somehow not already their business, they will surely make it their business. With so many different opinions pressuring you to move in different directions, it can be difficult to know how to proceed with your transition in the most appropriate fashion. Luckily, you can heed everyone’s advice simultaneously by taking to heart one simple assumption: whatever it is that you are doing, you are doing it wrong. If you think you are doing something right, there is likely already irrefutable scientific proof being published as you read this that says otherwise. Simply put, if you can never know if you are right, the next best thing is to assume that you are always wrong. As an example, which article of clothing looks better on you, a boxy sweater that compliments your figure, or an adorably frilly top that adds a girlish charm to your outfit? The simple solution is neither, because nothing will ever truly disguise your masculinity. Will gender-affirming surgeries further validate you as a woman in the eyes of others, or further alienate you as a disgusting, genital-butchering freak with no regard for the laws of nature? Take solace in the fact that you can safely do as you wish, as either decision will very likely invoke society’s ire.


Rule 3: Stop Being Offended by Other People (but Also Stop Offending Said People)

By now, you will likely have adjusted to your new life characterized by constant complaints and criticisms from those around you. If this is the case, do not get too comfortable. As a transgender woman, it is your civic duty to conform to the expectations of others, due to how heavily they weigh on your self-esteem. However, when someone expresses discontentment with a part of you that you cannot easily change, disguise, or repress, inevitable conflict arises. You may experience a degree of anger or indignation at the fact that others seem to take issue with you as a person. Do not let these feelings drive your actions. Always remember that you relinquished many of the courtesies, privileges, and civil rights afforded to most human beings the very moment you decided to identify as something other than what your genitals would suggest, but you still owe these courtesies to the very people who would deprive you of them. The fact that some woman may attack your long hair as a laughable attempt at signaling femininity does not give you the right to attack their laughable attempt at cutting their own bangs. Herein lies the difficult balance of your existence: you must accommodate for those who are unable to accommodate for you. If you end up becoming one of the 30-40% of transgender people who have been harassed, refused services, or otherwise mistreated by healthcare providers, you will simply have to take what you can get. The very same people who take the time out of their day to assure you that you will never truly be a woman are, naturally of course, also entitled to judge your efforts towards womanhood lacking, and, themselves being the highest authority on how you should live your life, you should heed their criticism.  

Conclusion: Good Luck

Armed with the newfound perspective on life that this guide has provided you, you can now continue onwards into an assuredly less painful and dangerous transition than you would have had you not read this. While nothing can really equip you to deal with the harrowing journey ahead in a healthy and safe manner, you have at least set your expectations accordingly. By remaining as invisible, complacent, and passive as possible towards the wrath of your fellow man, your odds of survival will increase significantly, and people will hopefully just ignore you. Were it common knowledge that transgender people embodied such a large part of the population, others would likely feel threatened by your presence and lash out. It is far better to be mistreated as a societal outlier than attacked as a societal menace. Pat yourself on the back for the fact that your dysphoria has not been the death of you yet, and hope that the trials that you will face will not be the death of you any time soon.


The author's comments:

An embittering piece of satire stitched together from the experiences of fellow trans women. 


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This article has 1 comment.


on Dec. 9 2018 at 12:47 am
un_named DIAMOND, Olympia, Washington
56 articles 1 photo 91 comments
Love it!