Deep Down Inside

October 20, 2017
By Anonymous

There you are, sitting, tears running down your pale face. Your palms are sweaty, your heart is beating quickly, and you’re scared, but you’re ready for it to be over. Every bad memory is going through your mind. Your hand holds what you think will make you feel better: that shiny silver blade.

I’ve been where you are.

Your day started off with waking up for school. You’re tired, and your eyes are still nearly shut. You slowly walk to the shower, not wanting to even have to leave your house. You get naked, look in the mirror, and think of how you could look better. You spend ten minutes just standing there, hating your body.

You eventually get in the shower, feel the warm water run down your body, and stand there zoned out, while your body is numb thinking about how you never did that math homework, ruminating over your failing classes, worrying about your appearance.

You step out of the shower, drag-and-pull your clothes on, and glare in the mirror again, seeing how that outfit wasn’t as cute on you as you thought it’d be. But you have no choice, because it’s your last outfit since you were too depressed to even wash and fold the laundry last night.

You leave the bathroom and greet your mom. “Good morning. I love you.” As you say it, you think, “I may not be here to do this tomorrow.”

You return to the bathroom and start on your hair. You need a trim--or it’s not long enough. The color is ugly, or it’s just flat out disgusting.

You glimpse closer in the mirror and see your acne, blackheads, and the bags under your eyes, and feel so ugly. You reach for your makeup and try your best to look pretty, but only feel worse, because even with makeup, you still feel ugly.

It’s time to go to school-- you hate school, you’re scared to go, you’re nervous, everytime school crosses your mind, you feel empty, you don’t have anymore time to do anything, you have to rush to put on your shoes, get your phone, and run out of the door.

Here we go, you’re on your way to one of the places you hate the most, the place filled with the people that give you dirty looks, the people that shove you around, the people who couldn’t care less that you’re sad, you’re going to school. All you can do on the way to school is worry about your appearance, how you don’t look perfect, how you still look ugly and how you didn’t do that math homework, it never left your mind.

It’s 7:30 A.M. School begins in thirty minutes.

You say hello to your “friends”--but they’re more like the people who stab you in the back each and every day.

“Should I eat?”
“Should I just fix my hair in the bathroom?”
“Do I have enough time to do that math homework?”
“Are my friends happy to see me?”
“Has my crush noticed me?”

All of those questions are running through your mind, to the point the bell rings, and class is starting soon. That math homework still isn’t done.

You walk into class and get nothing but bad looks; you just keep dragging your feet, and try your best to ignore it.

You sit down, mind your own business, and do your work. The people around you are looking at you and laughing with their friends, it hurts, but you just keep ignoring it. The bell rings, and you head to your next class. You get pushed around in hallways, people stare and laugh at you. You want to cry, holding back your tears is so hard, but the last thing you need is something else someone will pick on you about.

Before you know it, the day is over, and it’s time to go home. You get on the bus, and you just sit there and think.

Nothing about today was easy. “I should have completed that work. I hope everyone doesn’t hate me.”

You’re so broken, and can’t even find a reason to smile anymore. Life is just all pain. You see no point to keep going, it’s all over to you. You see no purpose in yourself. You’re not “beautiful”, you’re not super “fit”, you don’t have perfect hair, no one likes you, so why, why would you want to live this life any longer?

Life is hard, everyone knows that, but for some reason, yours is so awful, you just can’t keep going. Everything is hard, it’s just sadness everywhere.

You’re almost home, it’s been a long, exhausting day. You get off the bus, and start walking to your house. When you get inside, we greet your pets and your mom, and head to the bathroom. Your eyes begin to fill with heavy tears. You walk in, close the door, and lock it.

There you are, sitting, tears running down your pale face. Your palms are sweaty, your heart is beating quickly, and you’re scared, but you’re ready for it to be over. Every bad memory is going through your mind. Your hand holds what you think will make you feel better: that shiny silver blade.

There you are, you’re ready.

You put the blade to your wrist, your vision is fuzzy because of the tears in your eyes, you slowly start dragging the blade down your wrist, and you keep going deeper and deeper until it hurts. You know this next time you push it in, it’s over. You take a deep breath, close your eyes, put the blade on your wrist.

You can’t do it. You drop the blade, and the noise of it hitting the ground echoes in your head.

“What am I doing?” “I’ve let it come this far?” You know life’s hard, everyone knows that, but you can’t end something that’s only temporary, because once you’re gone, that’s forever, there’s no coming back. You can’t change your mind, you’re life is over forever. You do have reasons to live, you just don’t see it yet. People love you, you might be the reason someone else hasn’t ended their life.

You’ll be happy one day, right now it doesn’t seem like you will be, but this pain in only temporary. You’re going to have your struggles for the rest of your life, but all you have to do is keep pushing through the hard times. Love yourself, be you, step out of your comfort zone, you only have this one life, keep pushing, you’re strong.

The author's comments:

This is how I truly feel, these are the things I go through, and what goes through my mind. I’ve cut, and this is my story.

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