Evil Catalyst

February 8, 2017

It doesn’t come up in casual conversation. It’s what no one wants to bring up in a room full of people because they are unsure of the reactions that may follow. It is the topic that we tip-toe around just in case someone has endured it’s mournful company. We are scared to think about this despicable thing that rips families into a million pieces of broken memories. The very idea of it wraps its hands around your neck until you are gasping for air. It leaves a dreadful feeling of apprehensiveness everywhere it goes. It not only affects the victim, but the people surrounding the victim. This evil catalyst is known as suicide. It ushers in an immeasurable amount of unwanted emotions.

The problem with suicide is the way that it lies. It bears false truth when the voices tell you that everything will be better after you’re gone. It won’t get better. In fact, it will get worse. Way worse. Worse for your friends. Worse for your family. It causes the people you love to ask themselves if there was something they could’ve done to save you. That’s not fair. None of it is fair because it’s not their fault and it’s not your fault. It yields many sleepless nights for those who knew you before your life took an undesirable turn. All of the people you knew, before, will carry the burden for the rest of their lives simply for the fact that you ended yours. Little things will remind your family of you. The way that you loved watching Andy Griffith after school. The way that you never ate the whole cupcake, just the icing. The way that you made your bed every morning, except on Fridays because you planned on getting right back in bed after you returned from school. Suicide leaves too many things unsaid. Your mom will wonder where she went wrong. She sings beautifully, but she won’t be able to find the joy in singing anymore. She is the best mom in the world but she won’t believe it after you’re gone because the lies that once filled your head will now fill hers. Your older sister, who took care of you all of those nights when your parents were working late, will wish she could have hugged you one last time. She will beat herself up over the reality of your death every day because she was responsible for making sure you were okay. She will cry quietly in her bed at night because she won’t know how to cope with the pain. She will be angry.

They will all be angry, but not at you. They will be angry about the opportunities that won’t ever take place due to this unexpected tragedy. All of the Christmases that used to be spent as a united family will no longer be filled with joy and excitement. Your friends will be angry when they see the empty seat where you used to sit in the cafeteria. They are angry about all of the conversations that can never take place. All of the laughs, all of the hugs, and plans for the future are gone forever.

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