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A Dear You Letter
I want you to know that I'm here for you. We all are. I'm going to give you fair warning, I might get a little deep in this letter. Some of it, you really might not care about. But I care so this is my way of telling you. Because I was at where you are, some days I still feel like I am. And hardly any of my friends cared, and that's probably what hurt the most. I'd never want anyone to feel that way if I can help it.
This might not have any relevance, and you might not feel the way I did but maybe I can shed a little light.
Major depression. A chemical imbalance. Anxiety. That's what they told me I suffered from. To tell you the truth I thought it was just a lot of mumbo jumbo. Words. It always felt I suffered different things. Anger, sadness, desperation, and probably the worst was emptiness.
For a long time it felt like me and the world I lived in were going in a downward spiral, when really, it just was spinning way to fast. And I couldn't keep up. I felt weak. And what I'm going to say still makes me feel weak.
One day, something happened, and it changed me forever. My entire world stopped spinning and then just, fell apart. The saying goes 'let the chips fall where they may'. It felt like my world and life just broke into microscopic fragments and floated into outer space. And now the pieces are slowly coming back. And I put them together, yet some of them won't fit. Its like a puzzle that has other puzzle pieces in the mix. I used to try and force them to fit. When I realized something.
The puzzle was me. And my view on everything that used to be. And the way I saw things now.
I said that when my life fell apart I changed forever. When my world fell apart so did the girl that was me. I realize now that I can never go back to the way I used to be. I didn't want to admit that something that I had no control over changed everything that was me. I didn't want to admit that I was growing up and the world that I saw and loved was changing.
I've stopped trying to fit two puzzles together to make them one picture. Because I DID change and now I realize that I was just growing up. And it blindsided me because, I think subconsciously, I knew I'd miss the girl who was full of everything good. And to tell you the truth is I took the change in me hard because everyone else saw me go through it and it felt like I didn't get to see it with them. And I'm still changing and growing up, and it's still as scary now as it was then.
It's taken me a long time to realize this. About four years, and I think I know why that is. Because I'm stubborn. The one thing that hasn't changed about me. And the journey I've been through has taken a toll on my pride. It was hard seeking help, knowing I couldn't face my own challenges by myself. When I was in the hospital, they showed that I CAN get through them on my own. I just needed someone to point they way and to know that people, other than my family, believed in me. To have the faith in me and know that I was going to be okay. I needed that. More than I could've ever admitted.
I want you to know that I have FAITH and I BELIEVE that you're going to be okay. I may not be able to show you you're way through this. But I can be there and remind you that there is a light through that dark tunnel. Because I forgot the light was there and I needed someone to remind me. And if you can't see the light, because everything is so dark and you're blind. Know that people see it for you and they want you to reach for it. And when you believe that and start to reach. A dot of light is going to shine through all the dark and everything that's ugly. And as you get closer, it gets bigger. Of course, things will happen that will make the dot look smaller, but keep having faith in yourself and keep moving, so that when you reach the light and look back inside the tunnel. You realize that you just went through your life. And the light is your shiny gold trophy.
I've been hospitalized twice. And maybe if I really accepted the help that was offered the first time, a lot of things could be different from the way things are now. But what happened, happened. The second time I was hospitalized I used to think the people who were trying to help were full of s***. A day passed and I realized that they really weren't. They genuinely wanted to help me and the other kids. They saw all the potential inside of us, when we couldn't. So, let them help. They want to help, not only do a job to earn money. Because, we all could use a little help every now and then.
I never realized just how special life really is. Or how beautiful, because I was so blind from the darkness that surrounded me. All because I was afraid to move on. But know matter how hard I tried to stay the same, everything was still going to move and change without me. And I don't want to miss any more changes.
Strength: to get through it all. Because then not only are you a survivor but a warrior.
Love: always in supply and meant to give away, not locked up.
Faith: believing in something that might not always be there, or something people always doubt.
Three things the world could use a little more of.
All The Best,
"I know you want some answers, but what is the right answer? Because there is no answer, its just life." ~ A universal saying.