The agony. The concealed suffering. The excruciating pain. All taking place inside of your head. Everyone says that, “It will get better,” or to “Stay positive and be patient,” but they don’t understand how long you have been waiting for the day to tell them that they were true. That it does get better and that you were actually strong enough to prevail. But, you are afraid. Afraid that day will never come. At least that what the voices inside of your head say. That it will never get better. And that you should simply give up.
You see, the pain in your head is like an alarm clock. All it does is ring. Every. Day. And it doesn’t stop. That is until the alarm clock breaks. Then it no longer works. Nor does it make any sound. It is damaged. Mutilated. Broken. Like the clock, you soon become worthless to the people around you. You do not have a purpose anymore. Though you never really did. You were used. Used to simply be punched and kicked around. You didn’t have a voice. All you had was your ringing. A noise in the background. And this noise of yours, it made people agitated. It made them vexed. They never liked it, so they used that against you. They beat you up because they didn’t like your sound. And you didn’t like your sound either. You woke them up. You woke yourself up from all your dreams and desires and threw them away because you lost ambition in life. You lost hope. You lost yourself all because of your ringing. And no one wanted you because of that. Therefore, you were always worthless. And every morning, you wake up, even though you wish you hadn’t, and you lay in your bed and think. Just think. And this thinking is extraordinarily painful. It hurts your head. It hurts your heart. You are just in so much pain, but no one seems to notice. You want help, but everyone seems to believe your “act” is all for attention. You want reassurance, but you know you’ll hear the same old thing over and over again. You want love, but you know no one will love you the way you are. You want freedom from this painful life… but you know that it takes much more than just wishing for it.
Your battery is running low, though. You’ve run out of energy and prosperity. You try to find a way out before your battery dies, but you’re too late. It has perished as well as your mind. You’re lost. You’re empty. You’re numb. You get out of bed, go to your mirror and look. Just look at your dull reflection. Chapped lips and swollen eyes. Tangled hair and milky white skin. But of all of these, you notice your eyes. They stare back at you, hoping for some signs of life. But they are a vast ocean of darkness. You’re dead. At least that is what it feels like. And even though you are in this oppressive state, you disguise it with a fake, plastered smile. And nobody knows. You walk around with this fake smile, cheerful laugh, and amusing personality, just to trick everyone’s mind. Because you knew, if you told them, they wouldn’t understand. They would ask so many painful questions and you wouldn’t be able to answer. Because you don’t even understand. All you are aware of, is the war taking place in your mind. The ongoing war against yourself. But you must act. You must fake it until you make it and survive the day. Because that’s what it takes. It takes torture and fighting. We read in our history books, pages and pages of those who fought and died for their freedom. They never gave up. They stood up and lived each of their dire days in constant battle, no matter how much it hurt. They took their damaging minds and they used it to fight. Fight to live the lives they knew they rightfully deserved. They weren’t born into this world to survive. They were brought here to live each day to its fullest as a free being. So, even in your darkest hours, when you want to give up, you must fight. Fight for yourself and the elation of those whom moved you to stand up to the enemy. Even if the enemy is yourself. Because freedom, is not free. Freedom is agonizing. Freedom is concealed suffering. Freedom is excruciating pain. But you’ll make it. Only if you begin to survive. Survive for your desired freedom.
Survive, to one day, live.