I am Not a Cutter

November 2, 2008
I'd almost made it two weeks. It was a record. But it had to end. I knew it would. I knew
there would come a night when there was nothing to stop me. And here it was. Nobody was
home. I didn't have to worry. I opened the drawer and pulled it out. A little white push pin. My
best friend for the last months, since I'd lost my last one. As I shoved the end of the pin under
the skin the shaking stopped. I pulled the pin along the crease in my hand, under the skin.

When I reached the end of the crease I yanked it out and started on the next crease. It
didn't take long before each crease in my hand was lined by pulled up skin. Others said that it
was hard when they started on new skin or on a patch of skin that was just layers and layers of
scar tissue. They thought the easiest was when it was in between. When they went over a place
that had just healed or was still healing. Personally, I didn't see it.

Each time I did it it got easier for me, whether new or thickly scarred or inbetween skin.
Each time it was easier to go deeper, to make it bleed a little more. Every time I had to go
deeper because each time it took more to feel the pain. It scared me a little bit. What if there
came a day when I was immune to the pain and I couldn't block out the feeling anymore? I didn't
want that to happen. That was why I'd slowly gone from clenching my fists and digging my nails
into my palms to carving things into my hands, wrists, and legs with a push pin. It wouldn't be
long now until I could no longer keep my barely true lie: I'm not a cutter.

Join the Discussion

This article has 15 comments. Post your own now!

HaileyBaby123 said...
Sept. 29, 2010 at 6:47 pm

This piece of writing almost made me cry.

I went through this for awhile. Sometimes it felt easier to me to deal with the physical pain, over the mental.

I've "stayed sober" since march.

I have faith in you that someday you won't ever feel the need to do this anymore. 

Someday you'll be happy enough with your life and yourself, you 'll see how unsmart and unsafe this is.

God be with you.


armygirl4larsen said...
Feb. 1, 2010 at 2:18 pm
I started the same way and I just want you to know your not alone. The fact that your scared is a good thing, it means that you know you need help. Please don't take my comment lightly get help, tell an adult before its to late it wont be easy at firrst but things really will get better. Keep your chin up and know you have a reason to live.
GazellarendraThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Dec. 13, 2009 at 5:40 pm
this reminds me of my friend...
rawr5 said...
Nov. 16, 2009 at 1:40 pm
wow this is sad ,i hope you'll get help one day,goodluck:)
Jazzzy517 said...
Oct. 28, 2009 at 12:12 pm
damn ..... i went through that..... n i hated it....... but, it took awhile to heel myself... if u kno wat i mean........ im bettr now..... i hope u get 2 the point that im at 2.......... good luck
Jenissa L. said...
Sept. 11, 2009 at 11:14 pm
this is the most incredible thing ever.
i felt all of that, not only by experience, but
reading this brought all of those emotions back
to a point my spine shivered... it got to me ever time i read it
rainaloveskicks said...
Jun. 2, 2009 at 11:59 pm
oh my.. beautiful but you shouldnt cut.. I hope you get through this and i'm praying you do ! 
BellaLuna said...
May 25, 2009 at 9:59 pm
it is so real i love it this is an amazeing piece i really hope you get the magazine good look. well, if it really is u stop cutting yourself it really wont help :)
Morissa said...
May 23, 2009 at 10:04 pm
this hits home. i went through the same things. most of my friends do too, your an inspiration.
KirbyLover95 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 20, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Ok this piece of divine art speaks to people with the best thing in writing...emotion. It speaks to peoples souls and really sends a message. I'm sorry this happens to you, but don't we all think about it?
musicgirl757 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 17, 2009 at 3:31 pm
me again. you are brilliant i just want to say! i love this, you truley have a talent for writting! you have real potential! why is this not in the magizine?!?
Electricity This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 15, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Awwwweeee, Anonymous, I feel for you, too. I know it's hard. I cut my wrist and arm, and do a bunch of other things. But (not saying to don't, or maybe you are) maybe a therapist is what you might need. I'm defiantly no doctor, but you need somebody to talk to. Good luck!
Miss_May1312 said...
Apr. 28, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Honey I am a cutter and I have been for a long time and I know its hard you just got to get through it. My longest has been two months but at first it was a day you know? you just gotta keep working at it.
Chelsea222 said...
Apr. 18, 2009 at 6:11 pm
very good story!
musicgirl757 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 16, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Very powerful, its a good story.
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