I am Not a Cutter

November 2, 2008
By Anonymous

I'd almost made it two weeks. It was a record. But it had to end. I knew it would. I knew
there would come a night when there was nothing to stop me. And here it was. Nobody was
home. I didn't have to worry. I opened the drawer and pulled it out. A little white push pin. My
best friend for the last months, since I'd lost my last one. As I shoved the end of the pin under
the skin the shaking stopped. I pulled the pin along the crease in my hand, under the skin.

When I reached the end of the crease I yanked it out and started on the next crease. It
didn't take long before each crease in my hand was lined by pulled up skin. Others said that it
was hard when they started on new skin or on a patch of skin that was just layers and layers of
scar tissue. They thought the easiest was when it was in between. When they went over a place
that had just healed or was still healing. Personally, I didn't see it.

Each time I did it it got easier for me, whether new or thickly scarred or inbetween skin.
Each time it was easier to go deeper, to make it bleed a little more. Every time I had to go
deeper because each time it took more to feel the pain. It scared me a little bit. What if there
came a day when I was immune to the pain and I couldn't block out the feeling anymore? I didn't
want that to happen. That was why I'd slowly gone from clenching my fists and digging my nails
into my palms to carving things into my hands, wrists, and legs with a push pin. It wouldn't be
long now until I could no longer keep my barely true lie: I'm not a cutter.



Similar Articles

JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 15 comments.


on Sep. 29 2010 at 6:47 pm
HaileyBaby123 SILVER, Happy Valley, Oregon
8 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
"What the caterpillar thinks is the end of it's life, the butterfly knows is just the beginning."

This piece of writing almost made me cry.

I went through this for awhile. Sometimes it felt easier to me to deal with the physical pain, over the mental.

I've "stayed sober" since march.

I have faith in you that someday you won't ever feel the need to do this anymore. 

Someday you'll be happy enough with your life and yourself, you 'll see how unsmart and unsafe this is.

God be with you.

-Hailey.


on Feb. 1 2010 at 2:18 pm
divinelove33 GOLD, Ballwin, Missouri
12 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Our fingerprints never fade from the lives that we touch

I started the same way and I just want you to know your not alone. The fact that your scared is a good thing, it means that you know you need help. Please don't take my comment lightly get help, tell an adult before its to late it wont be easy at firrst but things really will get better. Keep your chin up and know you have a reason to live.

on Dec. 13 2009 at 5:40 pm
xenon333 PLATINUM, Billerica, Massachusetts
42 articles 0 photos 150 comments
this reminds me of my friend...

rawr5 said...
on Nov. 16 2009 at 1:40 pm
wow this is sad ,i hope you'll get help one day,goodluck:)

<3

Jazzzy517 GOLD said...
on Oct. 28 2009 at 12:12 pm
Jazzzy517 GOLD, Meriden, Connecticut
17 articles 1 photo 45 comments

Favorite Quote:
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.

damn .....
i went through that.....
n i hated it.......
but, it took awhile to heel myself... if u kno wat i mean........
im bettr now..... i hope u get 2 the point that im at 2..........
good luck

jciarra BRONZE said...
on Sep. 11 2009 at 11:14 pm
jciarra BRONZE, Woodcliff Lake, New Jersey
3 articles 0 photos 2 comments
this is the most incredible thing ever.

i felt all of that, not only by experience, but

reading this brought all of those emotions back

to a point my spine shivered... it got to me ever time i read it

on Jun. 2 2009 at 11:59 pm
oh my.. beautiful but you shouldnt cut.. I hope you get through this and i'm praying you do ! 

on May. 25 2009 at 9:59 pm
BellaLuna1 BRONZE, Ozone Park, New York
2 articles 0 photos 93 comments
it is so real i love it this is an amazeing piece i really hope you get the magazine good look. well, if it really is u stop cutting yourself it really wont help :)

on May. 23 2009 at 10:04 pm
MomoSaysRawrr BRONZE, Kankakee, Illinois
1 article 0 photos 65 comments

Favorite Quote:
"In the end, everyone's going to hurt you. You just have to find the ones worth suffering for."
-Bob Marely

"Don't narrate... Paint! Draw! Build! CREATE!" -Jack London

this hits home. i went through the same things. most of my friends do too, your an inspiration.

on May. 20 2009 at 9:33 pm
RainWashed PLATINUM, Park City, Utah
46 articles 1 photo 88 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Repeat the good and the bad. Do it all again. And pile on the years."

Ok this piece of divine art speaks to people with the best thing in writing...emotion. It speaks to peoples souls and really sends a message. I'm sorry this happens to you, but don't we all think about it?

IRBFGW DIAMOND said...
on May. 17 2009 at 3:31 pm
IRBFGW DIAMOND, Cincinnati, Ohio
53 articles 1 photo 223 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Hey, assbutt!" Supernatural, Castiel.

me again. you are brilliant i just want to say! i love this, you truley have a talent for writting! you have real potential! why is this not in the magizine?!?

on May. 15 2009 at 8:52 pm
Electricity PLATINUM, Bradenton, Florida
30 articles 0 photos 273 comments
Awwwweeee, Anonymous, I feel for you, too. I know it's hard. I cut my wrist and arm, and do a bunch of other things. But (not saying to don't, or maybe you are) maybe a therapist is what you might need. I'm defiantly no doctor, but you need somebody to talk to. Good luck!

on Apr. 28 2009 at 8:10 pm
Miss_May1312 BRONZE, Lincoln, Nebraska
3 articles 0 photos 21 comments
Honey I am a cutter and I have been for a long time and I know its hard you just got to get through it. My longest has been two months but at first it was a day you know? you just gotta keep working at it.

Chelsea222 said...
on Apr. 18 2009 at 6:11 pm
Chelsea222, Aurora, Colorado
0 articles 0 photos 13 comments
very good story!

IRBFGW DIAMOND said...
on Mar. 16 2009 at 8:48 pm
IRBFGW DIAMOND, Cincinnati, Ohio
53 articles 1 photo 223 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Hey, assbutt!" Supernatural, Castiel.

Very powerful, its a good story.


SciArc

MacMillan Books

Aspiring Writer? Take Our Online Course!